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To me, JS/Node is actually a huge step down in terms of language quality/ecosystem. Perhaps that's why it's not catching on with developers?

I suggest you edit your comment to make clear that you are being sarcastic.

I suggest you edit your comment to make it clear you're being an asshole.

Definitely the answer to your apparent disappointment and frustration with node/js is to cling on PHP and WP madhouse because why not.

Because it's nowhere near as fucked up as Javascript, IMO.