Comment by Mz | Hacker News Reader

Comment by Mz | Hacker News Reader

I'd just really love to help my son develop in the areas he's already interested in

Grant him genuine agency and let him take the lead.

When my oldest was about 16 months old, he decided to put his own dishes away, just like mom. He was too short to reach the sink and began chunking his dishes into the sink like a basketball player, because that was his relationship to the sink, height wise. A lot of parents would have told him to stop and tried to then teach him to pick up after himself later. I felt that was the wrong approach. Instead, I locked up all glassware and all members of the house ate off plastic bowls and plates and drank from plastic cups until he was tall enough to put his dishes in the sink without chunking them.

I told this story once online to someone hoping to foster independence in their child. They thought it was a great idea and announced that they would start making their child put their dishes away post haste. Uh, no. You have completely missed my entire point.

Support his interests as best you can while helping him not hurt himself. It will go stressful but good places and you will have a really neat person on your hands every step of the way.

I do have a private parenting blog that is currently on hiatus. You could send me a gmail address with the subject line "Memoirs of a Mom" and I could add you, if you care to see what is there already.

> Grant him genuine agency and let him take the lead.

I don't want to lead him in a sense "do what I say and that'll be good for you", but I'd like to help him open new horizons. And I really feel that he need external input here. We're living in a small village (but close to a big city), we don't have a TV, there's not too much happening around here. Without external inspirations, I'm afraid, we'd land with a local football club and Angry Birds on the iPad.

Nice story about plastic cups. :)

And I really feel that he need external input here.

Yes, he does need external input. Just make sure it does not cancel out his own inputs.

He is the center of his life. He has knowledge he cannot convey to you. That knowledge influences his decisions. Just because he cannot articulate it does not mean it is unimportant.

So, let's take a simple example: He dislikes a particular shirt. Perhaps it is his only wool shirt and perhaps he has a mild, unrecognized wool allergy. He can tell you he doesn't like the shirt and doesn't want to wear it. He cannot tell you why in a way that is defensible if you require him to justify his choice.

Expose him to good things and lots of options. But try to let him pick and choose. Try to resist the temptation to decide what he should or should not like.

I used to think video games were drivel, brain rot, no good would come of it. My mother kept sending them, my sons kept playing them. My sons now want to make video games and I have been won over. That occurred because I left some space for them to make decisions about their own lives and some room for the possibility that I did not know everything and was not always right.

The innate intelligence of small children gets overlooked, ignored and dismissed simply because they aren't as educated and articulate as the adults, so they cannot defend their preferences. Assume his preferences exist for a reason. Don't automatically dismiss them just because you are better than he is at articulating why you think something is or is not a good choice.

I hope that makes more sense. Happy parenting and best of luck.

That was very clever, I wouldn't thought of that probably. Good parenting :)

Thanks.

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