Italics mine:
"If I measure one electron in my lab, the second electron is affected by the measurement of the first electron with no time delay—instantaneously— even though a signal travelling at the speed of light would take millenia to cross the distance between them."
Yes, from our reference frame it takes millennia, but from a photon's reference frame (if that notion has any meaning) it is in fact instantaneous. Is this just a weird coincidence? I'm not sure how to even phrase it but is there some "quantum perspective" where the wave function collapse is synonymous with the speed of light reference frame?