Does Google still penalize short-term / soon-expiring SSL certs in search rankings?
Edit: this does not appear to be a thing that happens.
Edit: this does not appear to be a thing that happens.
As for the rest, chalk it up to my over-active imagination, compounded with that bad knowledge. SSL is an SEO boost (according to a random Googling), and if domain name expiration was a factor, it made sense to me that SSL expiry would factor too.
TLDR, I was a dumb.