> Personally, I will never use bitcoin unless I have to, because I don't trust much currency these days, much less a currency/ETF that is used for illegal activities, that you had to "get in early" to make any money off of, and that people have had problems with or need to hack clients for because of problems with its definition.

You're in luck! I think USD is just what you need. It's never been used for illegal activities, and there are no clients built on top of it that add extra layers of abstraction and bring with it their own sets of problems. In fact, you can start collecting USD tomorrow and have just as likely of a chance of being rich as if your family started collecting it when they "got in early"