Hacker News Reader

Comment by mburney | Hacker News Reader

Since we're doing the ad hominem thing, I'm guessing that you're American, and your wife makes you sleep on the couch?

In all seriousness, my point is that the person with the more radical view on how things ought to be done has to lead in that instance, and lead with authority. This doesn't imply the entire marriage is about that. But in this instance, yes. His wife would have been more receptive to his point of view if he delivered it with more authority. Passive aggressive "experiments" to prove a point will not influence her point of view and will not carry him closer to the goal of making their lives simpler.

View on HN

I've been leading. I've gotten rid of basically everything I can get rid of without asking for permission, and that has inspired my wife to clean up some of her stuff too. It took my about two years, but now I've gotten to the hard stuff, and -- surprise! -- it's harder than throwing away a box of old papers.

(Oh, and no offense, but telling my wife "we're getting rid of this television come hell or high water" would have been... less than successful in the long run. Every relationship is different. Good luck with yours.)

Perhaps the issue here is leading by example vs by authority.

Leading by authority alone doesn't scale. Even in places like the military where leaders have almost unlimited power, relying solely on authority is seen as poor leadership. Either you're ultra-charismatic or you just have to make sense to people.

I sincerely apologize if you took this as ad hominem. I honestly didn't mean it that way.

FWIW, I've been living in the US for the past 3 years but I'm not American and neither is my wife - and our couch is far too small to sleep on (we do have an airbed though :))

That strategy will work exactly as long as she chooses not to "lead with authority" in her desire to have stuff that Mark doesn't want.

I don't think experimentation is passive-aggressiveness. It was a valid way to determine how often they actually use the TV to see if it was necessary.

Radical views should be backed by solid evidence of their correctness.

It would have been an experiment if he had plugged it back in on request. That is to say the experiment determined they use the TV every six months or so. What actually happened is he made a unilateral decision to get rid of the TV. He couldn't do it by coming to agreement with his wife, so he removed all the cables and refused to restore them to force a change in his family's behavior.

Leading "with authority" is an oxymoron. There's the authority inherent in your position (which applies in a business or a bureaucracy, not a marriage) and there's authority (respect, actually) that you earn through leadership. If you mean just "puttin' a little bass in your voice"(+) then good luck and don't forget to wear a cup!

(+) Chris Rock recommends this as a way to get a woman to lick your balls, if you're interested in taking relationship advice from Chris Rock's stand-up act.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com