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Comment by sxg | Hacker News Reader

You don't have to talk about things that other people think are fun. The point is to bring up something that can get you excited and animated. If what you call "work" does that for you, then I'd love to hear about it.

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You might like to hear about such things, but most people only want to hear about weekend activities they consider "fun" (e.g., going out drinking) or "normal" (e.g., doing stuff with the kids). If you say you spent the weekend learning something new, most people will act like you're boring and perhaps even make nasty comments like "you must be fun at parties" (like someone in this thread did).

Talking about normal/fun activities like you described are safe conversation topics that you can use with nearly anyone. If you don't know much about someone, then these topics are easy ways to get a conversation going and learn more about each other. Once you do know someone a bit better, you can tailor your conversations to more specific interests that you both share. A work colleague would probably be interested in talking about patches you submitted to open source projects or research papers that you read even though 99% of the general public probably wouldn't be interested.

I don't know exactly why the other commenter said "you must be fun at parties," but I'd imagine it's because the parent commenter deflected from talking about things he actually wanted to talk about. Being fun doesn't have much to do with the content of what you talk about. It has more to do with you showing genuine interest and excitement for the things you do. If you don't like watching movies or playing video games, then it's very difficult to have a fun conversation about those things. CiPHPerCoder listed four things he enjoys doing over his weekends. Those topics are definitely not mainstream, but they do overlap with my interests. I would love to have a conversation about those things with him because it also adds to the variety of conversations I get to have.

> CiPHPerCoder listed four things he enjoys doing over his weekends. I would love to have a conversation about those things with him because it also adds to the variety of conversations I get to have.

Sorry, would have responded sooner but HN's rate-limits kicked in.

> If you don't like watching movies or playing video games, then it's very difficult to have a fun conversation about those things.

I do enjoy those activities, but I accepted a lot of responsibility (especially with making secure PHP code-- a feat some infosec folks claim is inherently impossible) and intend to finish what I started. That means missing out on a lot of great movies (Warcraft, Zootopia) and video games (OverWatch) that my friends are all able to enjoy.

Ultimately, I believe the work I'm doing today will make a difference tomorrow. Whether I'll be able to capture any of that value for myself remains to be seen.

I hear where you're coming from. I used to feel this way, and I sometimes catch myself falling back into this thought pattern.

But now I try to be as open as is practically reasonable about my interests and hobbies. You'd be surprised how receptive some people can be. And those who react negatively are filtering themselves out of further interaction.

I don't think it's an all or nothing proposition. If you don't know someone very well then it's likely they are just looking for small talk. In that case whether or not they are interested in the topic, they aren't looking for something that is going to turn into a deep conversation at that moment. There are ways to probe for this though, just give a high-level summary like "just did some work on my side project" or similar where you give them an opening to ask a question and go deeper. This gives an easy out to end a conversation gracefully; if an actual grownup gives a snarky response like "you must be fun at parties", that person has way worse social skills then they think they do, and in all likelihood has some pretty severe security issues.

But that's the easiest way to identify the bad people.

I have a coworker & friend who baits me into conversations like these. One time at lunch I realized near the end that I had monopolized most of the conversation. I'm the class introvert who by nature doesn't say much but rambles given the right topic. So I started to apologize and he replied: "Jonathan, that's why I asked you the question."

Not all people are looking for their own words echoed back to them. Like the OP who suggested this advice in the beginning, some people are really interested in seeing things from different viewpoints.

> The point is to bring up something that can get you excited and animated.

Well, the only time you'll get that out of me is when I'm angry.

Most of my weekends involve:

* Reading research papers

* Reviewing other peoples' source code

* Reporting security vulnerabilities to open source projects (usually with a patch)

* Improving these projects: https://github.com/paragonie

I never have any time to watch movies, play video games, or engage in creative hobbies.

That is fine. Talk about that. The point isn't to tell someone what is exciting, it is about making connections. Perhaps you read a research paper on a topic the other person has an interest in. Perhaps you contributed to a project they use in their spare time, or could use on a side project.

If I'd asked you that question, and this was your answer, I'd probably have asked you all about the papers you'd been reading, what kinds of issues you ran into reviewing other people's source code, and the what and why of the projects you were improving. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

I empathize and find your weekend activities relatable. Answer a question about your weekends with that and you might just find someone else who spends their free time "being productive". :-)

I'd argue a lot of people would find that a good answer. The worst they'll say is "cool, sounds interesting".

You've probably had some bad experiences, but you'd be surprised to know many people are not out there to get you for being different.

> I never have any time to ... engage in creative hobbies.

Hmmm. Sounds to me like your profession, your hobby, and your passion are all aligned. I hope you know how rare and wonderful that is!

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