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"We don't care where your income comes from, we just want our cut of it."

I wonder if one could deduct it if they return the item in the subsequent year instead :)

You can deduct business expenses for illegal activities, except for specific categories (for example, bribing public officials is not a valid deduction).

So you might actually be able to deduct that, if you could justify returning the property as a business expense.

I would have bet money that was a joke. But no.