My wife and I are both programmers, and as a bonus we also work at the same company :) We may have an easier situation as our specialties are different (I'm a mobile developer and she works server side) but we have never really had any issues at all. As long as both sides keep open minds to information and drop any defensive attitudes, it works out great. Basically, when talking about programming and work, we treat each other as a resource and colleagues rather than a romantically involved couple. It has also made us better programmers as we have any extra point of view when tackling our problems.

It's pretty OK for my wife and me. The pros are we can easily talk about work, questions and issues. It's nice, that we can go deep into details and we don't need to try to explain what we do like to a 10 y.o. person. We can share some practices. I am backend focused, and my wife is a frontend developer so we can learn something new from each other. We can both understand that we we sometimes to code at home.

Another pro is we don't have a big gap in salaries being more or less well paid (in Germany).

The drawbacks are that you are quite limited in scope, you don't learn something new outside of your programming domain. The mindsets are pretty similar: sometimes I think my wife is too logical, and we have a similar way of thinking after many years in the profession, which can be a bit boring.

It's both a blessing and a curse. As a bisexual man in a relationship with another male software developer the way I understand my partner is something that trumps my wildest dreams. On the other hand, it's very easy to let software development get the upper hand in the relationship, especially when your day consists of waking up, going to work together, literally working back to back at the same startup for 9 to 14 hours, and then going home to sleep. I do feel knowing what my partner does all day makes me connect to him better on an emotional level as well, which is a really nice bonus.

I'd say in general it helps the relationship, but it does not come without pitfalls.

I can tell you from experience that if you do not put effort into remaining cooperative peers, then it can get pretty ugly with each person attempting to earn respect in a more competitive way (that turns out looking like braggadocio to the other party). I am sure that isn't everyone's experience, but it was mine and I am trying my damnest to never fuck that up again because when your significant other(s) are programmers (especially in your domain), you can express yourself fully and the points in this article are essentially moot.

Hinders. What you're trying to find is someone who's got similar goals/ambitions for how they want to live their life in future, and who has a good sized surface area overlap with you on how to spend their free time now.

Dating someone in the same field gives greater likelihood of finding that, but there's other ways to do it too. People who went to similar schools, people in related fields, people who hang out at similar social events...

Your work is one field where you can find overlap, but there's lots of others. My fiancé works in a completely different field, but we have similar preferences in how we spend our spare time. I'd have never met her if I restricted myself to programmers (she's in conservation and events; an odd mix to say the least).

My wife and I are both devs. It's, for the most part, no different than any other relationship; you get out of it what you put into it. One thing I did (am still trying to?) learn is that sometimes she wants me to be a rubber duck instead of actually helping her solve a problem. I try to anticipate a point in the conversation when I can ask which I'm supposed to be.

I would love to see this as an Ask HN.

from the responses it sounds like there is no one answer for everyone with this. It depends on the person that you are and the person that your partner is.