Relief: I'm not an idiot, and the problems in the shuffle were likely in Spark and not just me being a beginner user.
Frustration: I wanted to group about 100 billion x 200 byte records into 5 billion groups. This seems like exactly the problem Spark is designed for and is advertised for. I had great difficulty even getting example Spark SQL code (or my own RDD based code) working. I hear so many great things about Spark as a tool for big data, and also "your data isn't big". I considered 20TB on the "low end" of big data, but a seemingly popular and widely used big data tool can't shuffle it without numerous bug fixes and pain on the part of the user. Shuffling 90TB was worth a Facebook blog post! This makes me ask: To all the people using Spark for "big data", how painful is it and how much data are you handling? It appears the answer for >=20TB is "very painful", and for <=5TB I think you're generally in "handle on single node" territory.