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I disagree. No one is entitled to your casual time, and it's not rude to decline invitations. I have no obligation to spend time with people I don't want to spend time with.

That being said, if I decline any and all invitations, I also have no right to expect to have friends who I can rely on, discover networking opportunities or really meaningful relationships.

It's not inherently rude to decline invitations, but I have to also understand there are consequences.

Then it comes down to a pedantic discussion of definitions if we're talking about a/any/all/none a single action vs. a series of actions, the qualities of the invitation, etc.

For example, besides from extreme exceptions, it's definitely rude to decline an invitation to your sister's wedding because you don't feel like it.

Likewise it's definitely not rude to decline an invitation to lunch with the coworkers you eat with every day to prepare for an important meeting.

Digging into the weeds about what we really mean by "entitled" and "rude" is probably not productive.

Subtle and adaptive (aka: not rigid, meat cleaver rules). You have it right.

I'm pretty perplexed by your response. Both of your proposed extremes are basically nonexistent.

Also, I am introverted. It really exists, and doesn't need scare quotes. I don't think it's necessarily reasonable to frame it as a disability, but it certainly conveys a different set of abilities than those of extroverts.

Also, I don't even understand why you scare quoted casual time. Do you not distinguish time in which you have obligations to others from time in which you don't?

The extremes are used to make a point. The pure expression probably doesn't exist, but we should all be familiar with those that trend much too close. The whole idea is moderation.

I use "scare quotes" in both circumstances to call into question or express doubt about the legitimacy of the words in context; or in other words to indicate that I'm trying to discuss the usage of the word or phrase instead of it's understood meaning. (I quote "scare quotes" because I'm dubious as to the appropriate usage of the phrase, frightening or insulting anyone with my typography isn't the intent) And I have no idea what "casual time" is. There's a lot of meaning to infer but a lot more meaning to be uncertain about. It's not a phrase I do or would use, but I'm talking about somebody else's usage of that and indicating that by literally quoting them.

The point I was trying to make is that it's wrong to conflate poor social graces with introversion... or there's a strong difference between preferring more time alone and selfishly insisting on your preferences. Extroverts can be just as rude in their own ways.

More generally, there's a worrying trend these days to apply labels to yourself or others to justify being a jerk. "It's ok because I'm/they're/it's an X"

I appreciate you taking the time to respond thoughtfully, even though we probably aren't going to meet in the middle.

Regarding scare quotes: your usage is exactly what is meant by the term. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scare_quotes.

Casual time is meant to be taken literally, it's not some special jargon, just two words put together. I also clarified the meaning in my previous response.

I don't think anyone but the NYT article author is conflating poor social graces with introversion. My response to that was to unapologetically insist that it is not a matter of rudeness to find socialization burdensome, nor to decline that burden when it is not necessary.

> More generally, there's a worrying trend these days to apply labels to yourself or others to justify being a jerk. "It's ok because I'm/they're/it's an X"

I cannot relate to this worry, it's not something I experience. But in case it's not clear, that is in no way what I was saying. In this context, I would say:

- I am an introvert. That's a fact about me, can't change it, don't even want to most of the time.

- I don't think declining social events is being a jerk. Regardless of whether one is an introvert or not, or whether one is motivated to decline by said introversion.

I think "scare quotes" the phrase is by it's nature a pejorative and is often used and/or interpreted as one; sometimes absolutely appropriately. The definition matches close enough, using it can be something like an ad hominem attack. I'm trying to use the typographical tools I have to express ideas, not to take cheap shots at terms I don't like.

--- > I don't think declining social events is being a jerk. Regardless of whether one is an introvert or not, or whether one is motivated to decline by said introversion.

I think frequent refusal to face discomfort for the benefit of others is rude. You have to strike a balance in your life, but there are a lot of ways to strike that balance which are profoundly selfish.

I don't know you, but I've known too many people that went out looking for labels for themselves and when they found them identified with them and let them define who they were. Taking tenancies of a thing and having them reinforced and piled on until a personality trait gets turned into a a problem. I think teaching people that there's this introvert/extrovert dichotomy should be considered harmful because it misses the complexity of people and pushes folks towards extremes instead of enlightening them about themselves.

Honestly, I respectfully disagree. I don't think I can advance the discussion any further, I would only end up repeating myself.

It isn't about facing discomfort. Imagine it was the social norm to go for 36h between sleeps, but for some reason you struggle to stay awake after the first 20h. People tell you to knuckle down and stop being rude, just stay awake like a normal person. You've now been awake for 30h, because your work expects it of you. But after work your friends want to go play soccer. Would it be rude to turn them down? Or would it be more rude to fall asleep while you are playing, or snap at them while you are playing due to the discomfort of pushing yourself well beyond what you are capable of?

This is what being introverted is like, without a sort of social-sleep away from people it is impossible to keep the social part of your brain active in people's presence. You are constantly trying to walk a fine line between offending people by not showing up (which allows you to recharge) and offending people by being socially disfunctional in their presence (which just leaves you more depleted). I don't know if perhaps the introvert phenomenon is maybe something on the very mild end of the autism spectrum, but I do know that, at least without years of experience in dealing with an introvert they care about, extroverts cannot comprehend it without pathologising it in some way.

This is often not about labels (though for some people it might be) and self-fulfilling prophecies. I am not afraid of human contact, I do it well, I even enjoy it, but I don't always want to do it. Plus, what I do in my free time is my own business.

So, if I don't want to go to social events, I won't go to social events. Period.

I also see no reason why I should have to justify my choice. The only justification is "because that's what I want to do". If that's not good enough, too bad!

What are you going to do, sue me for "selfishly refusing to meet people in my spare time"? I also find people who bike across the Alps in their free time weird, but it's their choice, and it makes them happy -- live and let live!

Well, consider me an extremist then because of if someone thinks they are entitled to even a minute of my time I will kick them out of my life immediately.

I automatically distance myself to people who keep asking to meet up or invite me to stuff where I'm obliged to respond. It has gotten better and easier since I finally stopped making up excuses and just tell them I don't want to.

This is really twisted.

Can you give a few typical examples for when your are and aren't entitled to your "casual time"?