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There are other update mechanisms available that don't let bad actors ship out malicious updates to compromise specific users.

Did you even read the article I linked?

Yes, and can you understand the concept of a silent malicious update being sent to specific individuals signed by the proper key?

That was addressed by the third section, under "targeted attacks":

And yet Signal doesn't have the capability to do what the article describes in that section.

That sounds like a really good technical discussion to have with the OWS team.