Having a ‘work spouse’ makes you happier? | Hacker News Reader

Having a ‘work spouse’ makes you happier?

bbc.com

45 pointsFuNe77 comments

No, wait, seriously. What about the real wives asking "so who's this Tammy that keeps messaging you?"

"Oh, it's just my work-wife, Sharon. We have been laughing all day at work when our boss spilled his coffee."

Yes. That is gonna work for sure.

I'll reply to my own comment with one thing: I was the "work-husband" of a girl. That girl is now my wife. Real wife.

I have never been happier, but the point is that the platonic-ness of such close relationship can't be always safeguarded.

I mean it not in a negative affair-wise connotation, but still you can't help it. And what if some of the two is not actually single?

Which begs the question: if you had been married at the time, would you have left your then-spouse for your current wife as a result of being so close at work?

Hypothetical, naturally. For many people who are in the wife's role of that question, that situation is all too real.

Happens a lot.

Couldn't be more true!

Also, the claim that it's purely platonic is a bit strong. Feelings can develop suddenly, which can destroy your current marriage in the worst case.

"Conventional wisdom holds that colleagues shouldn’t get too close, but the changing nature of the workplace is throwing traditional human resources manuals out the window."

I hate it when people just make up stuff. "They say that cucumbers were once used as weapons".

> Conventional wisdom holds that colleagues shouldn’t get too close

AKA ridiculous draconian employment contracts that are illegal in many other countries.

It's not that far fetched:

I once worked for one of the biggest banks in my country and when the branch manager and a random employee made their relationship public the lower employee was put in another branch.

But the article isn't about actual relationships. It's basically about having a "best friend" at work with no romance.

It depends on the nature of the company. In some situations (ie. corporate turnarounds) it can be hard to make tough decisions if you're overly concerned about the personal feelings attached to each decision. This can create paralysis. It's also very hard to fire people in situations when everyone is buddy/buddy.

Is it okay for a female to find a work spouse in another female? Is it okay to have multiple work wives? I am a guy and there are guys at office who I trust, have the same sense of humor etc. Am I work-gay? I don't get this.

Sure. My female cousin posts about her work wife on Instagram.

My actual wife has a work wife. I arguably have a work husband in addition to my work wife, but I don't think he'd identify that way.

Sounds like you're a bit of a work-player.

Gay/Straight is a biological affair, I guess when you stay in the realm of the mental/platonic it does not really matter.

That reminds me of the Vampire stories of Anne Rice in which vampires had all sort of gay/straight/incestuous love affairs. I thought that was strange (as a teen), but it actually really make sense when you remove sex (bodily functions in general for vampire) and biology from the equation.

Conversely a couple of years ago I made a conscious effort to significantly separate my work and personal lives, and I feel a lot better for it.

I'm still friendly with people in office hours and join for company socials, but no one here connects to me on "social media" and there are a very select few who or socialise with more generally. Yes, I sometimes miss out on a few things, but I think I've gained far more in terms of being able to shut off when I go home if nothing else.

Perhaps it makes me less loyal, but before that time my loyalty was somewhat abused so I don't feel at all bad about that, and I still do the "above and beyond" thing when genuinely needed, more so than others I could mention, particularly under the new regime who I currently trust more than the last lot to give a fig about my needs.

Who do you feel less loyal to? I only ask as I essentially try to keep the same boundaries but don't feel less loyal. I actually feel more loyal as I have more _focused_ time for the company, but this is probably just a rationalization on my part.

Edit: My question is more along the lines of: Do you feel less loyal to the company or to the people within the company?

I feel less overly loyal to the company, having found a more healthy balance. I still think I put more in than some though that is through a mix of professional and personal pride more than loyalty (though I suppose loyalty is part of that). That may change with time as the new regime does seem determined to do some things right that the previous did no more than pay lip service to.

To the people: I'm more selectively loyal than I once was. There are even still some that I actively socialise with (though there is still a social media disconnect). Though even with the social media disconnect, nothing I post isn't public or something that I'd be fine with becoming public (if it were private I'd communicate it by other means) so if they or the company want to monitor me that way they can do.

I also keep my work and personal life separate and can't be happier about it. I don't give my personal phone number, online names or even email to anyone just because we work together. It's not 100% rule, if I find mutual interest with a certain person I work with I might want to keep a contact outside of working hours, but these are exceptions, not the rule. I've been asked for my online identity few times during job interviews, but a polite response of "Sorry, I don't use my personal Facebook, Google+, Twitter etc. for business matters" did the trick and I was offered these positions anyway.

Probably this article would have not been posted here (and the underlying survey funded) if they were using the word "good colleague".

Using "spouse" instead suggests a sexual dimension that just isn't there.

Even the original survey result quoted is about a work colleague: Special, platonic friendship with a work colleague characterised by ...

So, the title is IMO clickbait.

Except the term is the common term for the relationship being described. It's the most accurate title.

>Except the term is the common term

I feel really out of the loop, I've never heard it, at least not enough to stick. US based if that makes a difference.

I don't know whether you're out of the loop, but I work in the southeastern US and have been familiar with the term going back to 2012 or so.

Huh, guess so, same area, I'm just not in the inner circle :)

I've heard the term before (in the US). I don't know how common it is. But I work at a small company and AFAIK their are none here.

Although when two of the execs get on each other's nerves I have heard the phrase "Mom and Dad are having a fight again"

Not surprising since it's not something usually discussed. But it's still the common term.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Work_spouse

There are numerous articles from various online sources (just do a google search).

Agreed. The idea of marriage does not really apply in the relationship described. If you have a great colleague, you don't need to name that relationship with a term like "work husband" or "work wife" which btw puts gender into the equation where it isn't necessary. What's wrong with saying "work buddy" or something else that more accurately represents the relationship.

Oh that's going to make work life really wonderful for everybody.

http://assets.amuniversal.com/66b0ae4066380134c959005056a954...

In the Navy, we refer to these partners as "boat boos". There are varying levels of intimacy, but many are just close friends who aren't so close anymore when the ship returns to home port and everyone goes back to their real lives/wives.

This can apply to single people who have work as their connection, look forward to seeing each other during the work day, but then leave it all at the office when they go home.

Oh my, when I read about it in Dilbert a few weeks ago, I thought it was made up and funny. Is that really a thing?

Yes. My actual wife works in the same office as me, and we both have work spouses. It's actually common in my experience.

It used to be called 'having friends.' Everything has to have a stupid new name for it now.

Yes, I don't get why we need that "wife/husband/spouse" name instead of "friend" or "buddy"? Wife/husband/spouse sounds very intimate, and I don't think it's a good idea to imply something intimate with your coworker (unless you really like her/him and plan to advance, but that's another problem). Also, I don't think my girlfriend would be excited either when I text her back: "oh, don't worry, I'm just having dinner with my work-wife".

I can only speak for myself, but it is a more intimate relationship than that of a work friend. "Intimate" doesn't mean "romantic."

I spend much more time interacting with my work spouse than with any other co-worker. We trust each other with things we wouldn't necessarily take to other work friends, like plans for our careers. We also provide for each other: snacks, Tylenol, contact solution, a fresh pen, whatever.

That still just sounds like a friend...

Exactly. Friend is not a binary concept, there are many degrees of friendship.

I think the term stems from hearing two of these people interact at work: "what, are you guys married or something?" "Nah, he's just my work wife".

It's like the trouble with design patterns: it is perfectly reasonable to assign a name to some pattern you can repeatedly observe in reality, but that does not necessarily turn them into a good guideline.

Personally, I have seen the pattern quite often, but never saw a name for it until today. A "foodies group" kind of relationship, that happens to be strengthened by things that might have lead to something romantic had they met in a different context. Even the name chosen hints at it not being an overly romantic state: it skips right over date, girlfriend/boyfriend, bride/groom to the wife/husband stage which can be more like a well worn in mechanism than like an uncontrolled infatuation in many cases. It (jokingly) references marriage as in "old couple", not as in "a pact to raise children".

I don't consider myself friends with my work spouse, and I don't consider my friends at work to be work spouses. Thanks for describing the most accurate term for this particular real human relationship of mine as "stupid."

I can't agree more with you. It's exasperating.

There are too many experts inventing new areas of expertise.

We thought that new tech would create a world of leisure, but, on the contrary, we created a world where we work on stupid concepts. Our work world is so meaningless that people invent new and stupid concepts trying to find some meaning, and then people in need of income, become experts on these concepts, in order to sell meaningless books on meaningless subjects for people having meaningless jobs.

I think the problem here is that the word 'friend' in US English means someone you know, but are not necessarily really close to (should really be described as an 'acquaintance'). People usually use 'good friend' or 'BFF' to describe actual friendship.

Friend has many different meanings, all depending on context. Saying that in the US it only means 'someone you're acquainted with' is simply choosing to ignore all the other uses.

When you spend more time with a work colleague than your actual spouse it is only natural that it becomes a real thing.

I guess there are many complications, particularly when all parties involved have a different view of what this relationship means to each of them?

Yes it is a real thing, one of the two ladies smoking near me said to the other that her daughter's work husband is leaving the company. I was like WTF did I just hear and I asked her what is work husband, she explained the concept and made it very clear that nothing is going on.

Only two people in McBride and Bergen’s survey reported having romantic feelings or flirting with their work spouse.

Or perhaps: s/reported/admitted/

I honestly have no idea what this article is trying to say. I've had male and female friends at workplaces, and those friendships have sometimes (not always, but sometimes) continued when we stopped working together. The word "spouse" never came into it, but the word "friend" (rather than "colleague") certainly did, you know, after a bit.

We use the terms "work brother" and "work sister" to describe this on my team. It allows us to acknowledge close relationships without any negative connotations.

That works, too, but you don't get to choose your brothers and sisters. It makes more sense to describe teammates like that, though, since you have to work with them whether you like them or not.

True. I've never thought of a work spouse as something intentionally chosen either, though. And the term isn't used by everyone in the room to describe everyone else. We sometimes say "work coworker" as a joke to describe aloof/standoffish peers.

I like work coworker. I'm going to use that.

The level of involvement you have with a work spouse is something you choose to create. No one is dictating the terms of the relationship. Management can assign you to a team and give you teammates, but they can't say that this person or that person is your work spouse. You decide whom to confide in.

Or "friends", as they once used to be called.

No, I have to disagree. Personally, I have a wide gamut of relationships at work. I'm lucky enough to work with my wife and many of my college friends, and I have several "work friends" and a work spouse. They're all quite different. I'd never describe my work spouse as a "friend."

What would the differences be to you?

The article describes them as "a significant, but platonic, other whom you pair up with at the office". To me that's what a close friend is (as opposed to an acquaintance etc). I've definitely had friends like that at work, and usually only one or two at any given job.

Again, I'm speaking personally, I'm aware other people have different experiences and different opinions. That said:

Work is not the most important thing in my life. A friend is a person who is meaningful to me outside of work. A work friend is someone who is meaningful to me only at work. I can be friends with someone from work, but that is quite a shift that I haven't made with many people.

A work spouse is someone I'm quite a bit closer to than a work friend, but that person still isn't a friend in the meaning I ascribe to the term.

I talk to work friends about what movies we've seen, which browser we prefer, who has the most annoying laugh in the office, whatever. But we don't generally talk about how we expect our reviews to go, what teams we'd like to manage, etc.

Conversely, I do talk about that stuff with my work wife. If I'm not sure about how best to convey that I think an assignment is a waste of time, I talk it over with her, not with the guy on the fifth floor I exchange TV show reviews with.

I like my work wife quite a bit, and I value her opinions and trust her with mine, but we've never been to each other's home. We don't make plans for weekend outings. We've never seen each other drunk. She's not a friend. If she leaves the company, I probably won't keep in touch. Part of the point of a work spouse is the shared experience of the place of employment. That's why it's "work" spouse and not "professional" spouse.

I could see a work spouse becoming a close friend, sure. But one doesn't imply the other.

That's really interesting, thanks for your response.

Work-friend: friend only at work.

Work-spouse: close friend only at work.

Work-close-friend: work-spouse without strange connotations.

Semantics - the greatest source of long discussions.

EDIT: Better term: Close work-friend

"Work close friend" is a clunky phrase, and most people in my experience understand "work spouse" easily.

Thanks for the explanation. Curious to know this - when and to whom do you usually mention this term (work-spouse). As for me, I have never had a need to use a term that represents such kind of work relationship, "a good colleague" usually conveys the message.

I find the terminology off putting. Isn't it really just someone that you bond with at work, beyond the normal day-to-day work stuff?

Words mean things. Trying to be PC or "clever" to try to advance an agenda is disingenuous.

If I had a work spouse, does that mean I get alimony when we move on? If we're emotionally close enough to be considered "spouses" do we get special company policies designed to give us special privileges? If we split do we get a "work-divorce" and fight over our "child" projects"? If I have more than one "work spouse" at a time does that make make me a "work polygamist" subject to sanction by HR?

Let's not lose the language, people.

My general rule is no appearance of impropriety now that I'm married. That means I will usually not go to lunch alone with a female coworker we always go in groups. I don't talk about my personal life outside of pleasantries, only social network connection I will have is on linkedIn. Even if physical infidelity is avoided, it's too easy to get involved in an emotional affair with someone you spend one third of your waking weekday hours with and since you are in the same industry, by definition you have a lot of the same interest.

Unless it's urgent. No direct messages on Slack after work hours.

Sometimes the spouse turns into husband/wife. Risky business

This depends a bit on the demographics of the company but it is quite common these days.

After all -sad as it may be- people spent an insane amount of time at work and for lots of folks work is the only social circle they maintain.

The same goes with sports, school-projects, startups. Having a "partner" (as I like to call it) motivates you a lot, and really brings the best in you out. Also having a common goal is huge, which is something you might not always have in love relationship.

I've also found it can bring you down if the partnership does not work out, and you're left alone.

I've never felt that way. Things are always best when they can be done alone, and you are either measuring yourself against yourself, or against the environment. People are unreliable and bail constantly.

Your comment saddened me. As far as we know, there are only 7.5 billion people in the entire universe. None of us would get very far alone, and on the cosmic scale, each individual is damn close to being alone. Iron sharpens iron!

Oh god... Postmodernism at its best. Also, why is the title of the HN entry dashed?

Care to elaborate a bit on the Postmodernism part ?

Sure, there are a lot of new concepts of living in this new postmodern era, some examples: - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freeganism - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Job_sharing

There are many more examples of new concepts related to postmodernism. Really related is the concept of 'postmodern society': https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postmodernity#Postmodern_socie... Seriously I dont get the downvotes, but I dont care that much.

So that is why everybody wants more women in tech. They are nice and beneficial to spouse with.

So. True. haha

Erm.. yeah, sure it does, until the affair come to light and messes everything up.

I can't seem to find the source data for this. Is it published?

It's not an affair. You should read more closely.

Yes, so they claim.

I found it, but can't access it: http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10510974.2015.102...

Watch

Episodes of 3's A Crowd, see how that works out

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=3%27s+a+crowd+g...

Reply on news.ycombinator.com