How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

(And yes, I don't understand what most people want to hear either. Mostly I think they want others to compliment them, ask them to expound on themselves, and laugh at inane jokes.)

Your long-ish post implies that you prefer discourse (the antithesis of small talk). I suspect you'd like to pose an idea and then exchange ideas on it. While that was popular before the age of TV (much less internet), conversation on topics that resonate and last for 5+ minutes is unusual today, especially verbally, and it's likely that few strangers respond well to it. People like to tell / hear stories about other people, not discuss ideas.

Like you (I suspect) I suffer small talk badly, though in recent years I've learned to cut back on delivering 'large talk'... hopefully before peoples' eyes glaze over.

I think there is a way to verify what people are thinking and that would be by asking them questions. As you point out later it has to be genuine and not a clinical encounter, and I'd also add not a self-serving one. If you genuinely want to understand what they are saying you would then be very present in the conversation rather than just trying to hear what you think you want or don't want to hear (ie: "I've got to found out if he/she's going to abandon me or break my heart" is a self-serving interest and will eventually have the opposite effect), but trying to understand what they are saying because you are curious about them and hold them in high esteem will go a far way and asking questions that help you try to understand their point of view.

Too many people are trying to either narrate the relationship or are trying to serve their own self-interests and apply way too much meaning to each interaction and if instead they saw an encounter as an opportunity to learn rather than to try to have it mean something personally I think they'd find a whole lot more success.

I'm not extremely experienced in social interaction but I've had to learn to be to be able to communicate better with my wife and this is what I've learned, my self-centered motives have prevented me from learning so much more from others and using curiosity and questions has been super helpful in helping me to overcome social anxiety and relationship conflict fears.

tldr; let go of your ego (don't take things personally) and try to learn what other people are saying by asking them genuine questions (rather than trying to do all the talking, you learn more this way).

What do you (or anyone else reading this) think of evolutionary psychology in which context such aspects of human behavior can be somewhat consistently explained?

It is usually much more important to carry yourself as attractive than to be beautiful. Confidence, honesty, friendliness, integrity, etc all can be assumed by a picture of a beautiful person, but in practice it's body language that portrays these qualities better. In addition, things like humor and other tips in the article can control someone's impression much more than looks.

Make yourself hot if you want. But if you're still insecure or unhappy inside, it's going to come off as unattractive. (Unless you then act more alpha as a defense mechanism to this... Behavior is complicated)

1. attractive is relative. Many, of not most people who are not considered attractive are also not considered unattractive. Just average, like most other people. Being average in looks can be compensated for in many other ways. I know many people who think they're unattractive when they're perfectly average. 2. I believe a strong confounding (or mediating?) variable is confidence and 'niceness'. Pretty people experience less bullying, more positive interactions, etc., which in turn makes them more confident and 'nice' (no need to hate the world, so to speak), which then makes them more attractive. Some of the most popular, nice, successful people I've known were far from attractive, but they were confident and nice. Or even just confident.

I really got a strong dose of truth in highschool. I got tired of getting picked on and being out of shape in freshman year. I was a loner and a punching bag for kids having a bad day.

I started exercising to stop people from bothering me. I still kept to myself and maintained my outsider status at first, but it didn't last long. The swimming and wrestling coaches wouldn't leave me alone by junior year, and soon after they noticed everyone else did to.

The attention I got from being in shape and attractive was extreme and foreign to me. There was maybe a year lag time that I associate with everyone consciously forgetting who I used to to be. After that, shit got real.

I started getting attention from the popular kids even though I maintained my "loner" friends. I suddenly had several groups of friends that didn't want to be seen around each other.

I was asked to join several sports, and in my senior year I gave in. Once I broke through to sports my popularity was official, and I started getting invites to the richest most popular people's parties.

The craziest part of the attention was the girls. I got groped by women all the time. Women would openly comment on how attractive I was fairly often. Sometimes women in public would catcall me. My mom's friends would openly try to set me up with their daughters. On more than one occasion while drinking, girls I knew but had never touched would literally jump on me and start making out.

And before you think I'm too much of a douchebag, I'm overweight and rather old now. A lot of people will say "it's all confidence" but I'm just as confident as I ever was. Now that I'm not attractive and older it's just called "disgruntled".

It's hard to tell anyone that has been attractive that attractiveness is not important. I've seen it for myself.

For example, it took me a lot of years to realize why men where constantly bragging about their lives when I first met them. Initially I thought that this is common, that everyone does it. But it turns out that they do it because I'm good looking and they feel disadvantageous, even if I downplay the way I look. Imagine how it feels if pretty much everyone you meet comes with you with a fake personality. It wears you down and makes relationships too difficult.

One of the ugliest men I know is also the most attractive to others (yes both sexes): confidence, warmth, a dash of rascality and a great sense of vitality and fun.

People want poetry in their lives...not to admire each other's perfect eyelids.

You don't think the same shallow people judging your looks will judge your plastic surgery?

On a separate note, I'd warn people (as someone to whom people have always freely talked) it can be a bad thing! You might not see this, and I understand that a lot of people here struggle socially, but it can be terrible to be a "go-to" person. If it's your friends and family, it's a good thing most of the time, but how about in a large or casual group?

The old, the infirm, the lonely... they're the first to realize that I'll be polite, listen, and engage. Sometimes they latch on, and it can be exceedingly difficult to shake them off without hurting them. Then, the crazy people and the broken people sense compassion and an ear, and they come running.

To paraphrase a comedian's description of cleavage, being someone that people love to talk to does not discriminate. Sure, you attract the people you want to attract, but you attract EVERYONE ELSE too. It can be exhausting...

But all this just doesn't fly in much smaller places such as a small town. Other factors rise to be at least equally important, such as both semantic and emotional honesty.

Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.”

Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson. She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that. I didn’t reveal a single detail about myself, including my name. Eventually someone pulled me back into the party. The celebrity jewelry coordinator smiled and grabbed my hand and said, “I like you!” She seemed so relieved to have unburdened herself. I counted it as a great accomplishment. Maybe a hundred times since I’ve said, “wow, that sounds hard” to a stranger, always to great effect. I stay home with my kids and have no life left to me, so take this party trick, my gift to you.

https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c

Honestly there's nothing wrong with that either. Someone who can look at your problem/solution and ask the right questions to allow you to evaluate it from a new angle is a valuable coworker to have.

So there are times when I feel all I've done is talk about myself and it makes me uncomfortable in the end. The only option open to me in these circumstances is to force the direction of the conversation on them. When I've just uttered the last word to the answer of the question they've asked, they ask me a follow-up before I've taken my next breath, so I'd have to force "enough about me, what's your experience with ____?" When I run into such a person, I usually give up and just answer all their questions. It's not that I don't want to know about them.

Do you find any truth in this or has it ever happened to you, on either end of the spectrum?

The article's content is ok. But what called my attention was that every single paragraph links to a source, author or better: an amazon book page. Its like the index page of a book on the subject!

pd: 15 mbyte & 420 requests to load the page

This is the problem and the danger with how to make friends and influence people. People will see through you.

For example, I recently met a person who was obsessed with the TV show 'Friends' and spent many hours re-watching episodes. To me, in a world that seems to be becoming increasingly homogenous, it was fascinating. And, even though I'd only seen a few episodes of the show, it was enough for me to latch on and indulge in the pleasure that this person felt about it.

Unfortunately, as time has gone on, I've also sort of lost my interest in many people. Although I can relate to many of their interests and ideas, I have met so many hikers / bikers / runners, cooks / bakers / beer-brewers, foodies, musicians, travelers, photographers, aspiring entrepreneurs lately that I have had a hard time motivating myself to dig any deeper.

Anyway, to your point, I think feigning interest in someone is awful and insincere. And, I refuse to do it. But, if I open myself to actually empathize with them and to indulge in what they're saying, it is very satisfying. Hopefully, I come across as sincere to those people to whom I inquire, because it's genuine curiosity. But, as 'hacking' seems to have gone mainstream, I certainly have seen my share of social pickup artists, and it is irritating.

Ask questions. Even if they are dumb. At worst you'll get a weird reaction. At best, you'll find a common link.

I've found that the big key is getting your mind in order. You can work forever on what to say, but if your head isn't right it won't work. On the other hand, someone who is totally centered can say the most random things and people will still like them. Old buddhist monks demonstrate this beautifully.

Anybody can improve their charisma, but most aren't going to reach Steve Jobs level charisma

To be come charismatic, I think you need to start with your own acceptance. After that, everyone else becomes easier.

As the Time article suggests, a huge part of charisma is being a good listener who genuinely makes a conversational partner feel valued. But being a good listener has many different variations and components. Obviously, there are the mechanical parts such as maintaining eye contact and not speaking over the other person. Then the active listening includes phrasing replies in a way that shows that you're empathetic and have actually heard what they've said. And then there's what you bring to the conversation: are you the kind of person who deeply groks what someone's saying and potentially builds on their thoughts to create something amazing in a conversational moment? Do you naturally exude authority about a subject or in a certain environment? Do you see the big picture in a way that inspires people to take their ideas to you to be told why what they're doing is important? Are you a kind, warm person who people open up to when they fear being judged by others?

Everyone has at least a little charisma. This book helps you find it and develop it.

I'm not sure that's true, but it does occur pretty often in all sorts of situations.

I'd bet if you took that view into many of those types of conversations, you wouldn't feel bad

(Finally, please note that I am explicitly excluding anything immoral. )

This sounds a bit more OK to me, but still the notion of manipulating others does get under my skin.

On the other hand, prompting people to talk about themselves, assuming you actually listen, doesn't seem terrible to me. I suppose there's a line between purposefully trying to make an impression and hacking people.

It's just like anything else; some people can tackle new subjects completely on their own, but almost everybody benefits from good advice. Why should advice on getting along well with others be withheld?

I don't think anybody intends to be a bore or a jerk, yet obviously some people are. It affects their lives profoundly, and they may lead lonely lives. Withholding advice on how they could be more likable, if they're so inclined, seems a little cruel. If you'd use the same advice to manipulate people, that's on you.

Stop trying to impress people or "win" the conversation. It's really much simpler than that. Just listen intently and make people feel good about themselves.

Televangelist Robert Tilton manipulated people in an anti-social way - so don't do that. But Bernie Sanders manipulated millions to become politically and socially engaged.

I think for me, the gauge is: if the other person found out I was actively using tactics on them, would they be angry, or accepting and curious? Tact has a lot to do with it, and who you are otherwise.

I highly recommend checking out "How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World".

Some people thrive off interactions like this, I think. If that's not you (and I count myself in that category also) then I think the "best" compromise might be to turn it on only when and where it matters (even though that sounds awful and self-serving). That probably means with valued friends and close family, and people you're trying to impress for some reason (personal or professional).

Most people do understand at some level that a conversation is a mutual agreement to discuss the matter at hand, and the agreement part is necessary.

This is why delegation is so important. As an organization grows, it literally becomes impossible to manage everyone by yourself. But enlisting talented managers who understand these concepts helps to alleviate this issue.

To answer your final questions, maintaining energy requires deliberate planning of the energy you expend in other areas. For me, I rarely drink because alcohol has undefined impact on my energy levels (I get tired, and it's not like a video game that I can flip a switch and be awake and ready). But more importantly, organizing your activities between <energy consuming> and <energy restoring> has been particularly helpful for me. Once I took the time to understand what takes energy from me and what restores it, I was able to experiment with planning my days to ensure that I have enough energy to expend, while maximizing the energy I do expend.