What Living with an Eye Patch in a Big City Taught Me | Hacker News Reader

What Living with an Eye Patch in a Big City Taught Me

cancer.nautil.us

78 pointsdnetesn33 comments

I'm surprised that the author didn't mention the several times a year random strangers will yell "Yarr!" out of the window of a passing car, as they do at me. Even if that doesn't happen to her, this condition must be harder for a woman than it has been for me, so she has my sympathy.

I'm always willing to "show" children that there isn't an eye under the patch, if they want. The same goes for adults who seem childlike enough. (Don't laugh, there are lots of these people around.) Those who are merely dull enough to require immediate satisfaction of their idle curiosities about the deeply personal circumstances of others, never get the truth. We should all practice extemporaneous lying, and this may be the most valuable aspect of monocularity to me. It's easy to say "knife fight", although it takes a bit more effort to sell that. Instead, maybe someone might be more ready to hear about an embarrassing incident involving office furniture repair?

What a beautifully written, honest, and wonderfully human story. The author makes an impossibly awful situation -- losing your eye at 12 -- the best she can, and notes the sometimes positive side of the unfortunate circumstances. I admired her and feel inspired by her.

I can see arguments either way to ask about it or not. I always have an internal debate with myself when I see such things like an eye patch or other non-typical characteristics that stand out. Should I ask? Would it be rude?

Most of the time I get stuck in a do-loop and the person is gone before I have a chance to make a decision. That's probably a good thing, looking at it from a cost/benefit analysis there is no way anyone should ask such a thing. But I also don't want to pretend this obvious thing doesn't exist because it's an elephant in the room! What if the said person expects me to comment on it? What if the person thinks that other people avoid them due to this non-typical characteristic? I certainly don't want to contribute to that either! I have no idea how to approach these things...

My main goal is to treat them like anyone else and I saw someone with a broken leg I'd ask. I forget the comedian but they cover the topic of handicapped people feeling left out because they don't get commented on, they want to feel equal. I think it might have been Carlos Mencia (yeah, yeah, I know, dude steals jokes) but the point stands - if we want to treat people equal aren't we obligated to ask?

It is different though. When I've broken bones and had to wear a cast it's a novelty so I enjoy the fluttering moment of being the centre of attention. But when it's something that they have to deal with for the rest of their life, the psychological effect will be a bit... different. I can't fully extend (or bend) one of my arms from an accident a few years back, and it took me quite a long time to be accepting of this fact.

Thing is, I've never heard anyone ever complain that not enough people point out that glaring flaw in their anatomy that they've struggled to deal with internally. So I figure it's best to err on the side of politeness and ignore it unless it's relevant or they bring it up themselves.

don't want to pretend this obvious thing doesn't exist

You mean like their shoes, the shirt they're wearing, that kind of thing? Because the eye patch is only unusual to you, the person with the eye patch puts it on every morning. Hell, they might have patches in different colors.

You can ask, but keep in mind that asking only benefits you. Because I'm sure the person wearing the patch has long ago gotten their fill of answering that question, and doing so is no longer of benefit to them.

So to speak personally, I don't ask. It's obvious that there is some malfunction in one of their eyes, I don't need to ask because that's all I need to know. Asking for more detail, well, I just met the person. Why would I think I can now delve into their personal details just because they're wearing an eye patch? More so, I don't ask because I'll betcha they are sick...and...tired of answering to random strangers who, truth be told, don't give a shit about the person and just want an answer to their curiosity.

Makes sense, my default is not to ask about it. I've seen very few people with eye patches in my life and I never asked.

It kind of relates to what one of my friends recently observed and experienced, someone asked them what race they are. She's light skinned but black. The person asking went through a few different combinations latino, white-black mix, etc and finally asked black and she got really angry. From my 3rd person perspective, I don't think the intent was to cause an issue but to relate to my friend. It's unfortunate because I don't see a maleficent intent, an unintended negative experience. This event is a small example of what I see on a overall change in society. Now everyone is walking around on pins and needles, afraid to make a social interaction for fear of making someone angry. Further isolation. Less tolerant to mistakes. I don't see this as a good thing. Boring. Uncreative. Polished. Unable to express an idea or question for fear of offending someone.

I'm just brown enough to get constantly asked where I'm from or what race I am. I seriously don't care. This is who I am and if it can be a conversation starter, so be it.

That's the way I was looking at it. I think a lot of it comes from people not being comfortable with silence so they'll just mention something they notice. When it's silent we are stuck with our own thoughts, some don't really like that!

When my grandfather first came to this country, he recounts how he was once yelled at by a woman on the subway in NYC for offering his seat, as he used to do in Russia. I'd say there is no perfect approach that works for everyone all the time.

On a visit to the big city when I was a teenager, I held open a door at the entrance to an office building for a woman in her early 20s, as I had been taught to do by my very traditional parents. She shrieked at me that she could do it herself. I have been an anti-feminist since that moment.

If I decided to hate every class of people based on a single interaction with a random individual who may or may not even represent that class I'd hate everyone ever.

Sounds like you never really liked feminism in the first place and found an excuse to justify it later.

I don't hate anyone. I just don't support feminism because it creates bad manners and double standards. How is that hate?

Further, at the time this happened, I didn't even know what feminism was. I was around 16 years old. It was 1978 or so. After it happened, I did some investigating and discovered what might cause such a reaction. For me, it was plain that it was a philosophy based on false premises and as such worthy of rejection. I don't go about preaching my position, but I also certainly never even silently consent to the approbation of a false idea.

Here's the real kicker: tell me what feminism is, then we'll see if we agree it's a good thing or a bad thing. (Of course, the debate on what feminism is will never reach a conclusion, so we're unlikely to get to the second part.)

You ever consider that maybe the woman who yelled at you was just having a bad day, or was just an asshole? You know, assholes come in all flavors. Name a group of people, and I guarantee you you'll find some assholes in that group, and you'll also find people who might occasionally act like assholes because they're having a bad day, or for some other reason that has nothing to do with you and nothing to do with the group they're part of.

I don't remember the exact phrasing, but it was along the lines of "I'm perfectly capable of opening the door myself. I don't need a man to do it for me." So yes, she was an asshole, obviously, for picking on 16-year-old country bumpkin me who was just trying to be polite, but it was also because of her ideology. And I'm sure every day she was bad for her. How could it not be when she was walking around looking for the myriad ways that men were trying to belittle her somehow? I have of course run into similar people since that time, and have observed that they are universally unhappy. But maybe that's just in my presence, when my mere existence oppresses them; quite possibly when no one like me is around, they have bright eyes full of laughter and joy. But I doubt it.

Her problem is her problem.

I would also probably have held the door open, as I was taught that was the polite thing to do.

And she probably would have yelled at me the same way she did at you.

But as the old, fat, white American guy in the room, I wouldn't let her problem in this area change me for the worse or otherwise bother me.

> Now, it seems I can't hail a cab without the driver remembering that he's driven me before and recalling my preferred route to the office.

She has the IRL cookie today that the rest of us will soon have as well.

This week alone, two complete strangers have asked me outright, “What happened to your eye?” This happens to me all the time...

I'm glad she's found peace with this sort of thing, but it's a shame that it happens this often. It just seems obvious that blurting that out as the first thing you say to someone is rude.

Interestingly a deaf friend posted on Fb today that this is a difference with the deaf community (as the post author sees it), that asking about someone's personal status is seen as a good thing, it's showing an interest in them.

I have a beard, kids will ask me "why do you have a beard?", I like it - it shows they're curious, I like to encourage enquiry. The parents will try to shush them, apologising for the intrusion, which TBH I find weird.

I can imagine it gets boring answering the same question over-again, but it's not harmful really. The author clearly has a good approach to life.

In both cases, though (deaf culture views on deafness, beard), the person with that views it as either a positive or neutral attribute.

That would be unusual in the case of an eye injury. Maybe the people asking are coming from the context that it's a temporary injury?

I like your point of view. Showing an interest is not the same as rude. I guess I really depends on the person who has to deal with constant questions to handle the encounter with Grace. Which I realize is not fair and people can't be expected to always be their "best" self around strangers.

I admire the author of the article for her confidence and courage. I could stand to be more like her.

As a anecdote, I have some very interesting and impossible to miss scarring on my arms. I don't hide it, and it is definitely something I know people are curious about. Yet pretty much no one I have interacted with in the last 7 years since moving to a new city knows why, because no one asks.

People I sit with and talk to from 9 to 5 every day, not a word. You notice people glance, you notice some cashiers hesitate, yet just three or four people from memory have asked and it is always an abrupt and outright "so what's up with that?"

I am thankful because it really doesn't affect my life or personal image and so that mentality reflected by others behavior lets me feel justified in that outlook. But there are definitely days where I wonder if people don't ask out of courtesy or because they just don't care either way, and if I am feeling a bit lonley that can be a negative thing rather than a positive.

Mostly though, I just appreciate that people treat me the same as if I didn't have them, whether they have asked what happened or not.

What makes you think the scarring is very interesting?

It's a mix of bright purple/red/blue and in high contrast to the rest of my skin tone. By interesting I mean it stands out and is not something you see every day.

It is interesting to me how small things really matter. Put a patch on your arm about the size of an eye patch and "so what". Eyes are special. I think it causes most people to do something they don't do that often, which is contemplate losing their own eye. I sympathize with the author, it is hard to know why someone may be interested in talking with you, etc. And, giving myself a little philosophical licence, it does not matter in the long run, we all have our dysfunctional bits, she just has to wear hers on the outside. Her issue in particular is one I imagine most people process and get on with relatively quickly.

>Put a patch on your arm about the size of an eye patch and "so what".

Well, not so fast; that rather depends on what's on the patch... I'm sure I don't need to list examples!

Beautifully written and thought provoking. It's interesting how easily strangers can ask such personal questions. I wonder how different the interactions would have been if instead of the eye patch, the author wore a pair of trendy non-prescription glasses with a clear left and a dark right lens.

I knew a guy with an eye patch, and politeness prevented me from asking how that happened. Now I know that one of the causes is cancer .. but it is a bit surprising that I only learned that after this article.

I wonder if people in similar situations wear patches as they do with clothes, considering fashion and all. It would be incredible to see people with custom patches for different ocassions, a great way to reaffirm their struggle IMHO.

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