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I received an email the other day saying side collision avoidance has been added in the latest update, but the rest still stand.

That seems crazy that automatic windshield wipers aren't enabled... my 2008 Honda Civic has those!

To put this into perspective, the things that recently shipped are autosteer and auto-braking at high speeds.

Who the hell did they outsource from?

Mobileye.

The automatic wipers were from someone else like Bosch, they used to have a bug similar to a bug on Mercedes cars.