Ask HN: Being a male how do you deal with sexist comments about female coworkers | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Being a male how do you deal with sexist comments about female coworkers

6 pointsnez_eaway5 comments

I've worked at both big companies and startups. In both worlds, I've had some of my co-workers often make sexist comments in one form or other about female co-workers.

Should I just be dismissive about this as locker room talk? I generally try to focus on the task at hand and ignore these comments, but when they mention that they would hire/promote/applaud a female coworker because of her physical features, I don't know if they are joking or really mean what they say.

I've been in the industry for only a couple of years and just wondering if this is the norm and how to set my attitude to adjust to this.

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It's not cool to stand by. It just is taken as tacit approval. And even if it was not unusual in the past, technology is supposed to be about change, right?

You say, "We should be more professional, it's uncool to talk about hot a coworker is," or "I'm really not comfortable wen you talk about her breasts, even if it's a joke" or, "I don't think you'd want me to go tell her you said that she only got promoted because she wears short skirts, cut it out," or even, "Hey man, this isn't Uber, don't say you'd hire her because of what she looks like."

Naming the specific behavior is important. It's embarrassing, and people don't do things they are embarrassed for.

Then you look at them until they look away or whatever. It's a dominance thing, so try to do so when you are standing and they are sitting down. If they try to make excuses, insist they stop and not repeat it. Practice with a friend if you need to.

Record the incident to your personal email from your corporate email, so it's nicely datestamped. If it happens more then once, report it to HR and your supervisor as a pattern of problematic behavior, with documentation.

If it's a supervisor, I'd email HR and their supervisor the first time it happens. If you get fired or they give you a negative review, retaliation is also illegal.

If HR doesn't do anything, come back to HN, reference this thread, and someone will try to find you help.

There is a great skill in being able to read a room and adapt accordingly. Now it's one thing if their comments are making you uncomfortable because that is certainly unacceptable. However, if the jokes are between people with good rapport, you might find yourself in an awkward position voicing a concern that no one else involved seems to have. It can give you the stigma of a tattle-tail if you're not careful.

The best thing you can do is always stay neutral, unless it's something morally or ethically that prohibits you from doing so. Try to rise above the fray, if possible, and don't be afraid to comeback with a dismissive retort for a comment you find over the line.

You don't have to be the boss, to command respect in an office. You just need to be adept in navigating office politics and gossip. People respect (wo)men of character, so never be afraid to draw the line or else people will cross it without knowing.

Very good point about reading the room and behaving accordingly. Yeah I am finding it hard to find that differentiation probably, and sometimes I'm appalled that this even happens.

A half laugh and a 'seriously, come on now.' Or 'really? that's kinda fucked up'

They jump on you for that kind of light 'check yourself' comment, well then I guess it would be now much clearer to you what to do next.

Well I guess you should not answer anything that compromise you. But pay attention to what they are saying, because it may prove that you should not trust these people and you now have a leverage against them if needed :)

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