Comment by warpwoof | Hacker News Reader

Comment by warpwoof | Hacker News Reader

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I'm not trying to be harsh, but you're doing it wrong.

I'm not particularly gifted in the looks department, but I can get about 1 date a week. How? Testing and speed. Here are a few tips..this advice isn't really making any assumptions about you..it mostly is a result of mistakes I've made and have seen other guys make.

Testing:

-Photos: ask friends to help pick the best ones, take some new ones, use OKCupid's photo-testing service, etc.

-Profile: I probably went through 5 complete rewrites, followed by a lot of constant tweaking. I think the biggest mistake most guys make is being way too serious in their profile. You've really got to keep it light and playful. Sure, be authentic and show who you are, but wait until after a few dates before getting all deep. Just have fun.

-Messages: Play around with the type of message you sent. Try some serious, try some playful, try some ridiculous/absurd. You'll see what tends to work more. I'm assuming you're doing more than just saying "hey what's up," that will just get you ignored.

Speed:

Don't write long messages implying you think you two are soulmates. The worst thing you can do is get hung up on hoping this one person with a great profile will reply. Getting into this kind of pattern will make you think way too hard about what to write to them for your first message. Look for interesting profiles, write a quick message, move on. You've got to get a good volume of messages out there, don't spend too much time on a particular profile.

EDIT: Forgot to mention one more thing, take it offline as soon as possible. Don't let the messages drag on..if someone replies to me I usually ask to meet up for a drink in the 2nd message I send.

Or, I might just be incredibly picky. See my reply here http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1466098. I guess that brings up another point. Some people might not have found someone offline because they're just picky. So don't presume that people "lower their standards" when they date online.

I have 16 conversations dating back to May in my inbox. Let me know if that's par for the course. The problem is, of these 16, 8 were girls that initiated contact with me and that I didn't find very attractive. Of the remaining 8, I had a date lined up with 1 that fell through, and a date currently lined up with another.

EDIT: Another stat. I sent out 39 messages from May until now. Of the 39 messages, 8 got replies. So that's about 1 in 5.

> The problem is, of these 16, 8 were girls that initiated contact with me and that I didn't find very attractive.

Do you mean that it's unattractive for a girl to initiate contact with you?

Not at all. The most annoying thing on OKCupid is seeing a repeat visitor that will not strike up a conversation with me until I initiate it. I actually find take-charge girls really attractive. What I meant is that I didn't find the girls who initiated contact with me so far, to be attractive. A few had very poor self esteem that I could tell just from the message they gave me. Many would say they have mutual hobbies/interests but when I probed further I realized they were lying and were the kinds of people that actually don't do much, which is also a turn off. Somewhere along the line I learned to overcome my introvert tendencies for periods of time. And I want to enjoy life with somebody who has similar interests. I go to the gym, play sports, have an active social life. I don't necessarily want somebody who is the same as me, but I also don't want somebody who's going to loaf around on the couch at home for an entire weekend. So far, girls like that seem to be initiating contact :-/

That could also be true, those were mostly just some of the things I had learned. I also have a decent amount of girls initiate contact with me, but I'm rarely interested in them.

Since about May 20th I've initiated contact with about 40 girls. Sounds like the problem is you just aren't sending enough messages. 1 out of 8 is pretty close to what I'd expect if you have a good profile.

Depends on where he lives. I live in Montevideo, Uruguay, and I had to look at profiles from people in other countries to get something resembling a match (only 3 active female users in my country).

He seems to live in Toronto, so that doesn't apply though.

Edit: I actually found my current girlfriend through another dating website :) and do recommend them for introverts.

Always Be Closing

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