Comment by jpdbaugh | Hacker News Reader

Comment by jpdbaugh | Hacker News Reader

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"If you are changing and getting better, that means you are changing friends too. This was very difficult for me, but you can't hang out with the same folks and expect to become a better person. There are exceptions, of course, but to a large degree your life is controlled by whom you choose to be friends and hang out with. Be aware that you don't want to be the same person at 30 as you were at 20. I'm not saying be an asshole -- keep being friendly by all means -- but be very careful who you hold yourself up against as "normal""

As a guy in my early 20s from a small rural town that I lived in my whole life I can really relate to this. My best friends from home aren't planning on leaving and there just isn't really a place there for me. I think I sort of ruined college for myself because I didn't go far away despite going to a good school and I never really branched out because I could just go hang out with my "home" friends. It really crippled my four years. For this summer of my junior year I decided to move a few hours away to where it isn't convenient to drive home. The problem is I am trying to meet new people but that is definitely a problem in itself.

As for meeting people, most people are lonely on one level or another. If you can genuinely just say hello to random people, you'll be networking and getting to know people in no time. If it's at a social scene, or a public place, just look for someone sitting or standing by themselves, and ask if they would mind some company. In my experience, over 50% of people say yes. (If they don't, then move on to the next person.) You can combine this with walking for socialization and exercise. Along the same lines, if you are comfortable learning dancing, look for a ballroom/latin/swing with lessons that swap partners. (Every one was a beginner at some point, these places tend to keep people remembering that and therefore happy to help others learn.)

If you tend to be an introvert, then just take more time asking good questions, let them talk, and then expand upon the mutual interests. Most of my friends wouldn't know I tested on the introverted side on Myers Briggs. (I've moved towards the middle since high school, mostly because I like taking this approach to life so the answers as to what I'd do have actually changed.)

Good luck. If you throw out your location, you might be able to make some local connections through here.

Thanks that seems like good advice. I am living in Pittsburgh with my girlfriend so I am not entirely alone. However, she is busy with graduate school and I am severely lacking in the friends department.

I'm on the other side of the state, so close but not quite. I'll send this thread to one of my college friends in that area, and she can decide where to go from there.

I always feel a bit somber when I read advice along the lines of what DBM posted, in that the experience in your life are what define you and you want to live a life you can tell stories about and not one you can sleep through. The feeling of somberness comes from knowing that, thus far, I've really led a life most COULD sleep through. I don't tip the scales of introversion, but I'm not far off.

I'm commenting here because I think you've given good advice on ways to slowly step away from this and these are things I've been putting into practice when I can. I'm more confident in engaging in small talk with people now, but it's typically someone I'm forced to interact with (hair stylist, waiter/waitress, mechanic, etc). I really need to take it a step further and target people outside of that comfort zone. I specifically like your idea of targeting other people standing alone, regardless of whether or not I have the confidence to do so - it's good advice.

When my friend from college visited me (it's been many years since college, and now we both have jobs), I couldn't understand why I just couldn't hang out like before. I mean, sure, I could spend a couple of days and show my friend around the city, but I realized that for some reason, I had moved on. I kept thinking that I had become a snobbish, snooty SOB. I now know that I've just changed - I have a different circle of friends (for better or worse) and I can no longer go back to who I was in college. And I think it's OK (and in many ways, good).

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