I think that true zen for me is finding a way to just relax and be okay with emotional inefficiency. Not sure how to do that.
It's typically that the context of the situation brings up an emotion that is taboo / off limits, one that the person has spent a life time avoiding.
This avoidance is typically do to previous developmental or shock trauma.
You can actually learn to use your conflicts as a psychedelic of sorts to do deep transformational work, if you have the right context, language and tools.
From my view, this inability to transform conflict is why most relationships end and why most people in relationships aren't happy (despite relationships being the single greatest predictor of health and life satisfaction.)
That's exactly how I view conflicts. It's the surfacing of something much deeper that is normally completely hidden, either suppressed or managed at the cost of Emotional Reserve.
When something flares up, I try to not let it go to waste and start digging. Instead, it's an opportunity. Either my wife or me (usually both) will then gain some insight about ourselves. We can then apologize for the content wich caused it and then move to the context.
We've been doing this since we were engaged and this has allowed us to grow a lot in terms of emotional stability, and build some strong reserves. Of course the flip side is that with deeper reserves, it can take a lot longer for conflicts to surface, so we now look at frustrations as the opportunities to introspect.
My partner and I curate a group of couples doing this work (and singles looking to find a relationship with this context), and practice some really cutting edge tools.
For example, we've pioneered a version of breathwork to be used in times of conflict with your partner that can transform long standing conflict patterns.
Keep it up though, that's awesome!
The somatic approach is an excellent addition to this work, if you have a chance to try it out, you won't be disappointed.
That predictor isn't specifically referring to romantic relationships, but all social relationships.
That means family, friends, love, professional etc. It means that ideally, a person who has more of these things is more likely to be healthy and satisfied.
Having a wife but no friends for example, isn't ideal, and vice versa.
Further, the tools for transforming Conflict are useful across a spectrum of relationship types.
Sure, there's a connection between the rational and emotional parts in humans, but this doesn't mean that being anxious automatically means being irrational.
Quite a few fears have their origin in the childhood, when the rational parts of the brain haven't been that developed, and perhaps that's the reason why these fears can have such a deep impact.
When these fears come up in an adult they might overwhelm him and it can be quite hard for the rational part to counter them in any way.
When you don't have these fears it's less about being more rational and perhaps a lot more about not having made harmful experiences in your youth.
Extrapolating fears rooted in one environment to another in which there is no danger is: 1) very human 2) irrational.
So it's quite unempathic to think about someone being irrational because he's anxiously, and you don't have anxiety because you're rational.
I find it extremely uncomfortable to admit to myself that my own mind, my 'self', can actually be the source of self-sabotage. My rational side, irrationally, often 'solves' the problem by simply denying this fact and carrying on dysfunctionally.
What makes all this worse is people who in various ways encourage this denial, even if they mean well.
Thankfully, I have at least two people in my life, as well as my mother, strange as it feels to admit this as a grown man, that I can confide in, and whenever I take the courage to at least express the irrational fears in all their irrationality, they help me by, well, observations like yours. Somehow merely the acknowledgement that my irrational fears are legitimate despite their irrationality is a tremendous help in dealing with them. I'd encourage everyone to keep this in mind when dealing with people suffering from what I guess we'd call 'mental disorders'. You have no idea how much just acknowledgement can do for them/us, and it doesn't have to take much effort!
And my solution isn't, "be more rational." But acknowledging that they're not rational is important in investigating the issue.
Are you sure? I find that mentally walking through a checklist of true-true facts makes my sweating/shaking/vomiting go away (for a while)
Calming thoughts certainly can help, that's the whole idea behind the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
But it might not work that easily for everyone and for every fear, and it also depends how much you're feared, because you certainly can't calm down a panic attack with a few thoughts.
One should just be aware that what works for one person might not work for another.
Anxiety is a relatively easy to address problem, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) works pretty well. It's also amenable to short-term talk therapy, usually.
If someone wants to kill you, then you're just worried?
The alternative view is that it's actually a clear view of society and its systemic violence, and a recognition of that causes distress.
"Emotional efficiency" is probably not the best way to address this, but at root, if your wife's anxiety is causing problems for her and for your relationship, that's a treatable issue. It's as if your wife has a sprained ankle that's preventing you two from going on walks, and neither of you are addressing the sprain.
Many things have to be understood with the heart, rather than the mind, or vice versa.
I don't believe women or men are more logical or emotional based on their gender alone - most are adults who do not continue to develop both emotional awareness and thoughtfulness.
When I'm presented with similar anxiety, instead of dismissing it, I try to embrace and understand it (like an entrepreneur) and try to work through what causes it, and if the worry actually resulted in the bad thing happening.
Emotional labour deficits in relationships (Paying attention, caring, demonstrating it in action) is real. It can go both ways too.
Doing something because someone else cares for it even when you might is a demonstration of care, because most likely you are receiving it.
A lot has to do with becoming an adult in reality too - first being able to take care of yourself, and then others, even when you might not want to most days, but because the long term benefit comes from caring and giving first, and ensuring a relationship lets giving happen easily.
It is true that worrying is like paying interest on money you may never borrow. Worries rarely materialize, not because one worries, but because things happen often largely out of our control, and learning to come to have a decent relationship with not being in control and open to the fact that change is constant has helped a lot in my relationships.
Dealing with anxiety/irrationality comes down to people being able, and available to do their inner work and growth. How we are ultimately results from whether we feed the worrier or the warrior in us.
The mind (thoughts) and the heart (feelings) don't speak the same language, are often at odds with each other to the point that the logicians rule out emotion as being valid, both are far less effective without the other.
Thoughts and feelings have a habit of straightening up when they know they are being watched by ourselves. Awareness is a gift.
I sometimes wonder if when we experience pain, it is in part because we are using our mind when we should be using our heart.
I realized that I can't change her. There's no single solution, but there are a few things she did, which helped her being more relaxed: Yoga, talk therapy, less coffee/more sleep, taking time outside of family. She also had iron deficiency; the doctor fixed this with iron infusions which really helped alot against feeling tired (also keep an eye on iron in food).
On the other hand, I try to be supportive and do not question everything she does or thinks anymore. Don't try to be a therapist, instead help her to fix herself :)
I've found that simply being more invested in the decision or issue, it eases some of the tension. That anxiety may have been a result of shouldering all the emotional labor in the first place.