These are the kinds of issues you're supposed to discuss before you marry someone. She has higher standards, and she ends up doing all kinds of (unnecessary in her husband's mind) work to keep those standards, which are hers alone.
Fortunately, my wife is a clinical psychologist, so #3 was off the table in our house.
It sounds like you've got a good thing going...1 and 2 I can deal with, the quiet seething is a no-go.