Unless one wasn't "wrestling" with Linux in the first place, because things tend to just work these days.
> While Linux certainly works on laptops it doesn't work well. Wifi and battery life are absymal
That's blatantly untrue. Given the right laptop, Linux is on par or excels. Given the wrong laptop, an install from scratch of the Windows operating system is likely to be far worse.
> problems seemingly totally out of nowhere
So problems that arose without any changes to the system?
> there's nothing.
Well, there's full access to your own system.
> Drivers [..] are running in Windows
Never run old hardware or peripherals? Because if you do Windows is a world of pain filled with drivers sourced from questionable download sites.
I'll assume good faith here instead of astroturfing, but you might want to tone down the unwarranted praise of X over Y when describing your satisfaction with your current setup, especially when you're apparently not really familiar with Y.