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Comment by abuiles | Hacker News Reader

+1 on "Nonviolent Communication" - if anyone is interested I have some directive like notes from the book here https://blog.abuiles.com/reading-feed/nonviolent-communicati... -- going through the book is important for the context but this can give you a quick overview of what it is about.

Other books in my list are:

- Punished by rewards by Alfie Kohn

- On the shortness of life by Seneca

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Another +1. "Nonviolent Communication" as well as "Crucial Conversations" can be life changers if you follow even a little of their guidance. The techniques I've picked up have helped me build stronger relationships with my spouse, my children, my customers, my employees, and my peers.

There are other books on communication, but these are my top two. They're actionable, in that they provide specific techniques as well as discussing thoery. Both books lay a similar foundation that any book on communication worth its salt will likely have in common: we're all emotionally driven beings and we communicate most effectively when we're able to separate observations from judgements.

I have not read the book "Nonviolent Communication," but anecdotally, the several people I know who have mentioned reading this book tend to speak in an abnormally passive aggressive, condescending, and overbearing way. I am curious if this is just a fluke or if others have had the same experience.

Interesting! Those things are exactly what the book tells you not to do.

Like a lot of concepts that are meant to improve communication and understanding, NVC can be "weaponized" to have the exact opposite effect, especially when put into practice by beginners in highly-charged emotional contexts. It can also come across as passive-aggressive to those who are unfamiliar with the practice. Maddeningly, it can be very difficult to distinguish between these two situations. It really needs understanding and buy-in from both parties to be effective, in my experience. (It's also damn hard to learn from a book. Much better if you have an experienced and empathetic friend who's willing to teach you.)

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