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Comment by jaredklewis | Hacker News Reader

Just going to insert my layman’s opinion here, but I think the article’s suggested methods are good.

Children learn by example and they are always watching. If a child is misbehaving In public, the child is still watching. How does my parent (my role model) solve their problems? By yelling? By hitting? Or by talking?

And to counter anecdote with anecdote, I have seen plenty of misbehaving children in public with parents frantically trying to control them by yelling at them or spanking them, and it usually only results in even louder crying and more defiance.

Children misbehave as a kind of experimentation. At least some bad behavior is unavoidable, and it is an excellent chance for parents to give their children a lesson in conflict resolution.

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As a father, my 2 cents: There's something in between talking and yelling. Call it the 'stern' talk if you will. I get this authoritative voice, usually giving the little guy two choices: Either accept what you have right now peacefully (i.e. take your winnings), or play me again and I'll take away some of your freedom (pick him up, put in baby car, put to bed, something like that). So far it has proven very effective with my 2yo, calms him down immediately and after a little while his mood tends to be great. The little bastards seem to like when they get to know their boundaries, it seems to give them a feeling of safety. So far its also not becoming more frequently necessary (which I fear, because inevitably it will loose effectiveness at some point). Maybe 0.5-1.0 occurrences per day or so. Also, it's only ever needed when he's with his mother and I'm there (the 'good cop' who can't be strict with him until she breaks down...), when I'm alone with him he pretty much behaves 100%. Kids, they are masters at what they're doing...

This.

Children thrive on boundaries. It gives them an 'area' within which they can fully explore, learn, play, etc, while KNOWING that as long as they stay within those lines, everything will be fine.

I call it THE VOICE, and I try and keep its use to the minimum, so as to not reduce its effectiveness. However, when I do use it, mine knows he has to stop pushing boundaries, or there will be repercussions.

God yes hallelujah!

Same here (2.5 kids raised).

The other important part - remeber to losen the boundaries as they continue growing up, so when they are 18-ish there is no difference between boundaries on and off.

Thank you. Yes, good point. The way my little buddy works, boundaries are frequently tested anyways, and sometimes they fall when we feel he's ready - I think it's kind of a natural, almost automatic process. That being said, rationally balancing risks vs. freedoms is the most intense parenting task IMO.

This is all true. Stern talk is certainly helpful... to a point. Be aware that he is listening and absorbing everything, and since your rules are literally his entire world, he will be the most amazing rules lawyer possible. And he is way smarter than you think way younger. At 3 my kid was reprimanding my behavior for not following my own rules, and lately he's begun to tell me when I've been unreasonably angry ("you need to listen" or "you yelled and made me sad" are the forms this sometimes take... just apply judgment as to whether he's correct so he doesn't take advantage of parental guilt). He's sometimes mixed up about cause and effect (he's 3) but taking his emotions and 3 year old logic seriously has been very helpful for understanding why he's upset and helping him control himself, or tell me when I've been acting unreasonably.

Also, Daniel Tiger is amazing. There's a song for everything and he's memorized all of them.

We had one instance where it backfired so far. About two months ago I overdid it a bit when telling him to cut out going number two in the shower/bath (happened 2-3 times during potty training). That traumatised him about bathing, to the point where he was scared of going to take a bath, instead wanted to sit on the toilet for 1-2h. Let's say he already showed me where my boundaries are...

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