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Comment by Broken_Hippo | Hacker News Reader

How are they different?

Sorry, but I'm bisexual. I'm attracted to both sexes, and yet I can keep from kissing women or men. I can treat both as friends. I can have respect from both. I can ask either sex if they are interested in forming a non-business relationship and then go back to a business relationship if they say no.

I just don't see what the problem is. Don't expect to meet women in public places and men in private ones, for example. IF you won't go out with women after work, don't go with men. And so on.

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That's the thing though, the goals are constantly shifting and you cannot make assumptions about how other people are going to react. For example when you say "I can ask either sex if they are interested in forming a non-business relationship and then go back to a business relationship if they say no." I really feel that in the current climate this is a very risky move to make.

> I can ask either sex if they are interested in forming a non-business relationship and then go back to a business relationship if they say no.

And blammo, there’s your career-destroying sexual harassment accusation against you, in today’s climate.

Most people are reasonable, though. A few are not, and there is never a proper defense against them. The sort that retell someone being grouchy as yelling at them, a movement as a threat of violence. Someone that lies obsessively, even in normal conversation. Or the one that feels slighted and says the breaks are unfair, even though they are getting the same as everyone else.

Admittedly, asking a woman out is more risky for me since I'm female just as it would with a man asking a man out. That isn't due to sexual harassment, but homophobia.

All that said, though, most folks are reasonable to reasonable people who treat them with respect. That's where I'll set the standard for my own behavior and hope for the best.

As a male with a family to provide for, I can’t just hope for the best or hope that those I’d interact with are reasonable. I’d rather simply not work with any women in the current climate (not a hiring manager, and my industry is predominately male, so it works out).

Disclaimer: I have seen presumably reasonable people act irrationally in the workplace. I’m not anti-women; I have a daughter and want the best work environment for her when she grows up. I’m anti-witch hunt.

The main problem I have with your attitude is that it places more burden on me to prove I'm not "one of those women".. if I even get a chance. It means that I don't have a chance when there is an equally qualified man. And I'll never know. It means that I don't get as many chances to support myself or any family I might have (I was the breadwinner with my ex, for example, as he was on disability).

Sure, some seemingly reasonable folks act irrationally in the workplace. Not all are women just like not all are men. I understand being aware of it happening, but assuming everyone is or treating an entire class of people differently because they might be the crazy one winds up hurting folks and makes it harder to get over the stuff we already have problems with. Especially when there are other ways of dealing with some of the same things.

I agree it’s a shitty prisoner’s dilemma we’ve worked our way into. As I mention, I’m not a hiring manager, and I specifically exclude myself from hiring decisions in order to prevent any of my biases from preventing any candidate from being considered or accepted for a role.

Just as you had a dependent, I have several of my own, and have to play it as safe as possible until I’m financially independent.

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