Like many Hackers I work fairly long hours, especially weekends (sometimes when I get my best work done).
I'd love to hear some tips from fellow hackers who have had kids & some tips on managing the transition to a more family focused life, without losing sight of goals & milestones that you have for your startup.
What has worked for me is to get an early start in the morning so I can cut off work at a decent hour. Then I often will put in hours after the kids go to bed. Doing this I can still put in fairly long hours. Important thing is to review your goals and milestones and make adjustments to the time required to hit them. If the schedule was created assuming 60-70 hours a week, you will need to rethink the deadlines.
On the family front, one thing that has worked out really we for my wife and me is that we each have one night a week free, where the other is responsible for the kids. This one afternoon/evening is a nice relief. I use it to go grab some drinks with friends, play golf, hack on a project, watch a movie, etc. We both find that we are better parents (and spouses) when we get some down time.
That sort of sums it up for me. Being a good dad is the priority for me too, but I feel that perhaps it's the beginning of the end, in a field where you have to rush to keep up with so much stuff happening.
Spouses second.
Computers third.
I'm sure you already figured that one out but I still have to remind myself periodically when I'm in to something interesting so I figured it wouldn't hurt to repeat it.
Get up an hour or two before your kids do so you can get some work done when you're still fresh (assuming your kids don't get up at 6 am :) ).
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If both me and my kid needed a kidney you think I'd let my husband give his kidney to me? Second priority != neglect
As a general rule, outside of exceptional situations, spouses take care of their kids together before they get around to taking care of themselves.
Kids are considered dependents and as such both parents will find that they will instinctively turn towards their children first in times of need. Whether that's always the rational thing to do is a different question but that seems to be the normal order of things.
When your child is doing fine and your spouse needs you the order is obviously different, need trumps play any day.
The biggest gift you can give your significant other just after delivery (and in the case of the lady after breastfeeding stops (if you do that)) is a good nights sleep.
> Downvoters are quick on the trigger, aren't they...
Yes, it's annoying.
2. Hack when they sleep. Pray to any gods you may have that the one you get does that plentifully and regularly :-)
Good luck!
I'm reading all the replies and sucking everything in as my daughter is sleeping on my chest. My life has undoubtedly changed - for the better. There can not be a better startup than your own kids.
My plan now is to take an employment for 4 days/week and work on my own project(s) the 5th. Weekends are strictly family.
Is 8 hrs/week enough to get anything off the ground? We'll see. Would love to hear from anyone else working like that.
Use these first few weeks to help establish (and lengthen) the baby's feeding and sleeping rythm: er, basically help baby get a full meal, sometimes they eat only a little then fall asleep and consequently not for very long. Eat, eat some more, burp. play, sleep.
At first, when baby sleeps, you sleep too. Or you don't sleep at all! Either way, you'll be oh-so-tired. But there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Everyone will be full of advice, listen patiently, then figure out your own way, which will be different from all others. In six months you'll be giving advice too.
When I arrive home my boy is usually standing at the window waiting for me with a silly grin on his face. I open the door, Mum passes him to me and I carry him straight to the park to look at the trees. Fresh air, relaxing sunsets, big baby laughs and cuddles...
I really can't think of any better way to let go of work day stress and prepare yourself for the chaos that is dinner, bath and bedtime!
I quit my job when my son was seven months old, took a month off, then went back to work three days a week. I'm a stay at home dad the other two.
Eight months later, this seems very, very easily to have been the best decision I've ever made.
They both leave you sleepless, make you think about them all day, make you feel like they are the meaning of life, grow fast in front of your eyes, and interact with you more and more every single day. Well, congratulations!
I'm a hacker's wife and a non-technical co-founder. I and my husband are the two partners of our start-up.
You may start working on these issues:
* Read about baby care (birth to 6-8 weeks), and start chatting with your wife, so that you can start building your parenting style. Baby care is not difficult, but there are lots of different paths to follow. If you learn in advance, you will fell more confident and need less trial-and-error.
* It's best to limit your working plans for the 0-3 months, best scenario with a nice sleeping angel baby will still be quite hectic.
* Getting help from relatives, friends and even neighbours can do a lot of difference. You can take care baby, but it would be nice if someone can care for you in the meantime.
* If you have not yet, read about sleep depreviation. Motivate your wife to rest as much as she can during pregnancy and following birth.
* About the routine, it seemed not so important to me when I was pregnant, we were not the routine type of couple. It turned out to be very important. When you set a routine, baby knows what's next, so she relaxes and be much more cooperative. And when you know what's next, you can plan your day (no, not boring, believe me).
* Take your family outdoors frequently. It will help your wife to recover.
* You'd better spend some time evaluating baby products to be familiar with market. I'm not telling you to buy things in advance, but in some cases a small stupid-looking gadget can save you lots of time.
* Add some parenting blogs to your reader, especially some of those informative/experience sharing ones.
Good luck on your geek fatherhood journey!
Early on, my wife (a pronounced extrovert) wanted adult contact and conversation more than anything. She wasn't all that happy when I was off in the land of ones and zeros when she was talking to me. It was a minor issue before the baby, but it really came into focus when their was a little person vying for our attention all the time. As your child gets older, this advice will apply doubly for the child.
This might sound a little crude, but, here goes: after the first three months, schedule opportunities for intimate time! Your time will be limited, and anything that is not a priority will go by the wayside. You can look up and find that it has been several months since you've been intimate. We didn't have a strict schedule like every Wednesday after she sorted the recycling[1], but we did agree in advance to "take a nap together" later that day or the next day. Spontaneity just didn't really work for us. The trick is keeping the pressure off - if one of you is tired and really just wants to take a nap together, that's got to be OK, otherwise it will drive you apart rather than bring you together.
Good luck. It's an awesome adventure!
My one biggest piece of advice. SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS. or you will get NO sleep ever.
It will be the roughest thing you have ever gone through but one smile from your childs face up at yours makes it all better and reinvigorates you for another shot of energy for whatever you need to do.
Trust me though you will need to take at least 4 weeks off work for paternity leave assuming you are the father. Then once you go back to work expect to only work on the computer when you are at work. When you get home expect your wife to want some help with the kid and dinner etc. and don't expect to get any computer time at night for the first 3-4 months.
You will only get computer work done at work when you are away from the house and at the office. When you are at home your wife will have a constant stream of little things she will want you to do and you will feel like a slave, but then you will imagine what she goes through being alone with the baby all the time. and you will have mad respect for her.
Mostly try to be supportive and learn to not mumble under your breath when she asks you to do a million little things, Just do them and move along. It will pass soon once the baby hits 6 months or so and starts to have a real personality that you can interact with.
The first 4 months out of the womb is considered the 4th trimester and the kid is really still a foetus. Literally they cannot do anything for themselves until about 4 months. So its all up to you ad your spouse to do everything for them. They will be all floppy for a while not even able to hold their head up without support.
Trust me though it will all be worth it every time your little one smiles in your face and you will be re-invigorated.
Its the most incredible thing that has every happened to me and it made me re-evaluate my life and make major changes(like major changes). I resigned from my startup that I founded after 4 years(engine yard: really long story i'll write a book about someday ;)) to make sure i could spend this time with my son as much as possible. I cannot say what I am doing next but I am moving to Portland where my folks live in order for my son Ryland to be closer to his grandparents. And got a job that was understanding about working remote and weird hours. My new boss is the coolest ever he literally said "As long as you shit good code I don't care where your toilet is" :P
Don't worry, it will come naturally to you like it has to all humans thhroughout time. But remember this
SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS DURING THE FIRST 4 MONTHS
good luck! and congratulations!
I'm an incredible proud Dad to a fifteen week old baby boy and his advice echoes every single thing I was going to say.
Then once you go back to work expect to only work on the computer when you are at work.
I'd like to elaborate on this point. Leaving Mum & baby at home will be difficult for a while, I still struggle with it immensely but it is hugely important to remember that your job is absolutely instrumental as you are now the main breadwinner and your family is relying on you to work hard every minute you are away from them. As hard as it may be to leave them at home, don't let it be a waste of time, make sure that you are giving 100% when you are away and please don't bring your work home with you if you can avoid it. Whilst at work, focus on it 100%. Don't spend all day at work wishing you were at home.
Be prepared to argue like crazy with your other half. Regardless of how strong your bond is, you will fall out. Her patience with the baby may be beyond comprehension but do not expect that patience to extend to you. As stressful as it may be for you, I can guarantee it will be worse for her, infinitely worse if she's breastfeeding. Maintain perspective and learn to let everything slide.
Final point: Routine. Routine, routine, routine, routine. Sleep will become a rare and priceless commodity so it is crucial that you establish a bedtime routine from the beginning. Find a routine and stick with it. Read to your kid every single night. Even if it's just for a couple of minutes. It may seem pointless in the beginning but stick with it. Babies bedtime is now my favourite part of the day.
Good luck mate. It's an incredible journey.
This. It took us 8 months to get it sorted but now our little boy just about begs to be put to bed and he sleeps 10 hours a night without a sound.
Like all the other papas here say, BE SENSITIVE TO YOUR WIFE. Be aware that as your wife breast feeds (if she does) her hormones are still rocking to a different beat every hour. Let complaints roll off your back. Sometimes things won't make sense to you, but go with the flow. Afford her tons of generosity and selflessness. Clean the house for her, offer to take the baby so she can sleep, draw her a bath to soak in with candles and bubbles. Take her on a romantic date if she's up for it so she feels like she's still got it even though she may complain about her body often. Make her life easy and sweet and yours will be good.
Also, for a bit of relief... listen to Garrison Keilor's Fatherhood tale: http://www.publicradio.org/tools/media_player/popup.php?name...
Enjoy being daddy! It's absolutely wonderful. You will forget about working overtime. You'll want to spend any and all free time with your little one. Cheers!
Well, and never mind the hormones (though both parents will have a lot of these going on) -- breastfeeding quite literally takes a lot out of you. She will have more to do, but less energy than she's used to.
Just do everything you can, and then more, and look for the humor to put a smile on your face (and hers) whenever you can. It gets easier as you go along.
Didn't your wife find that her breasts were painfully engorged by not feeding the baby all night?
Hilarious. I don't have a wife w a baby, but I can totally see how that situation would come up a lot.
We are incredibly lucky, since 10 weeks old, baby Cameron has been sleeping a minimum of 8 hours a night.
Sometimes it takes 10 weeks, sometimes it takes 8 months, either way, it's worth the effort.
Kids thrive on routine.
The problem some parents have with their children is they try to change the way the children behave to something other than what they learned from their parents.
If they are the type to go out, party, invite friends over and stay up late, etc, then they should expect their children to emulate that. It's when the parents want their children to behave differently that you have a problem. This is all purely my own experience.
My sister gets in a panic if the kids aren't in the bath at a particular time, aren't in bed on routine haven't finished a meal at the set time, etc.. PITA I say.
We've had problems now that J has gone to school. We couldn't keep the same sleep regime as we had to be up to get to school.
Agreed. Check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/04... .
New borns sleep 18-20 hours a day but the few waking hours are distributed throughout the 24 hour period. This means your sleep will be disturbed in the middle of the night and you will need to make up for it with naps during the day.
Sleep is critical for brain growth and function. Tired dad/mom/baby == crabby dad/mom/baby. It can even lead to a negative feedback loop called being over-tired where one becomes too agitated to enter sleep easily.
After a couple months, you'll want to consider sleep training. This means allowing the kid to cry for increasing periods to unwind and adjust to the solitude/quiet needed for sleep.
My daughter is 14 months, and still wakes during the night to breastfeed (she also eats solid food by now, but still nurses), but she doesn't make any significant noise and doesn't even necessarily wake my wife, and we're both fine and rested in the morning. This has pretty much been the pattern since she was a few months old.
Well... I'm fine and rested in the morning if I have gone to bed at a decent hour. I have trouble concentrating enough to get work done during the day, so I often do it at night. Last night I slept about 5 hours on the couch by my computer then worked as the sun came up. :)
It's not ideal -- I could use more rest in my life -- but I'd rather skip some sleep then cut out any of my involvement in my daughter's life... I'm really enjoying that part. She's learning at an incredible rate, and I'm finding myself pretty good at optimizing her experience (and man, now I really cringe when I see these parents constantly putting the most interesting things just barely out of their poor child's reach, or trying to "discipline" their children into, well, suppressing their essential and powerful natural curiosity).
Best of luck with the next venture, maybe we all can do a followup thread in a few years on "Tips for ensuring your Kids grow up into successful Hackers."
ezmobius, I wish I had more votes to give you, as this is one of the best comments I've read on HN.
And an emphasis on sleeping when your baby sleeps, you may need to encourage your wife to sleep, as she'll probably want to do other things.
A friend of mine with 3 kids often says, "Mom takes care of the baby, Dad takes care of Mom." I think that's apt in the first 4 months, just do whatever you can to allow your wife to be the best mother she can be.
I'm pretty opposed to this idea, actually.
Breastfeeding is an obvious exception (I couldn't help much with that, though during the tricky part at the beginning I learned a hell of a lot about how to help the baby latch on), but in general I think you should be doing every single baby task whenever you can.
If you don't, after a few weeks your wife will be so much better at changing diapers, changing clothes, calming the baby when it's upset, taking the baby for a walk, etc. etc. that you won't be able to do it, even when she needs you to. It'll be weird for you, weird for the baby, and you'll just get screams until Mommy comes back, and that means you'll be fairly useless when your wife most needs your help.
If you're working from home, dive in (this was how I did it).
If you are away at work during the day, then when you get home you should take over the baby as much as possible. Change the diapers, even if you're slow & awkward at first (you'll quickly improve), give a bath (also hard at first!), dance the baby around the house and sing some songs. And if the baby has nursed recently, do NOT just hand if off to mom at the first sign of distress -- figure it out yourself. When the baby cries in the middle of the night, take it far away from the bedroom (once you've figured out that it's not hungry, that is), take a deep breath, and start experimenting to learn how you can calm it (it may be different from what mom does). And actually, if you've got bigger hands and a longer reach than your wife, some of these things will be naturally easier for you anyway.
Trust me, you'll be a far more valuable daddy this way.
You seem to have things worked out pretty good, and I so agree with you about the smiles.
OT to Ez: Welcome to Portland! There's a fairly active Ruby community here, embedded in an extremely active tech community: see calagator.org if you haven't already. I'm happy to share what little I know about parenting in Portland (geeksam at gmail).
SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS DURING THE FIRST 4 MONTHS
Plus the experience of giving birth to launch this whole adventure means that probably both parents went for a few days with no or very little sleep, and the mother has a lot of physical recovery to do as well (ever worse if it was a c-section), so they're starting off way in the red.
My routine now (works for me, running a business in two timezones - GMT & PST) is:
London office: 9/9.30 --> 5/5.30
Home for bathtime (the baby's!)
Baby into bed ~7.30pm
No work or computer until after 10pm - when I now find I can do a good chunk of productive work (I never used to be able to do this and get up the next morning consistently).
Essentially, having a daughter did what all those years of trying to hack my sleep patterns couldn't do. I don't know if it was being thrown in at the deep end or a change of motivation, but either way...
The late shift also helps because our Seattle-based crew are online then.
The late Tracy “Baby Whisperer” Hogg pointed out that swaddling is a neurological hack to help babies sleep. OK, she didn’t phrase it that way, but... Until they reach about 4–5 months, babies don’t really have voluntary control of their arms and legs. So imagine you’re kind of tired, lying in your crib, drifting off, when OMG THIS ARM IS FLAPPING AROUND NEXT TO MY HEAD ISN’T THAT COOL.
I didn’t read about this idea until I had my third child; when I noticing that indeed, he could sleep even in a room where his brothers were playing until his arm came out of the swaddling blanket, I got one of those special swaddling blankets with Velcro (I call them “baby straitjackets”), and that aspect of baby care, at least, became significantly easier.
I have a feeling having reduced hours free will cause me to really focus on being productive in those hours and focusing on the work that truly matters.
Stuff to think about right now:
-Sleep deprivation starts early. Your wife is going to be uncomfortable as anything the last several months. She may toss and turn a lot at night. Plan accordingly.
-If there is anything you've been wanting to get done, do it now. I had been putting off copying my old Amiga hard drive to preserve my childhood computer for 10 years. I narrowly got that done before the baby arrived.
-Make some meals you can easily freeze so you don't have to cook if you don't want to. You'll need this in the first few days as well as much later when you and/or mom go back to work. Cooking is a royal pain with a really little baby.
Stuff to think about after the baby arrives:
-Plan on not getting any sleep and being entirely unproductive while awake (you are taking several weeks off work right?) the first few months.
-Expect that while awake, you will have zero time to yourself. Use the time you do have wisely, frittering it away on Facebook is probably a bad idea.
-Expect the first night home to be unreal. My wife is a pediatrician and I thought that would prepare us. Boy was I wrong. We were still two bumbling clueless parents. Best thing we learned that night is division of labor: one sleeps while the other is awake with the baby. Otherwise, you are both going to be completely exhausted instead of a manageable "really tired".
-A smartphone is a huge help with a little one. I read HN at night a lot when my daughter is drifting off to sleep in my arms but not fully asleep. I do it primarily to keep myself from falling asleep while holding her. It's easy to hold in one hand (vs. a laptop or iPad).
-Babies love white noise. They find it incredibly soothing. Get a white noise generator of some kind. We have a 99-cent iPhone app on our phones that we use daily. My daughter loves "air conditioner" mode. She often fights sleep and squirms around a lot. White noise and a pacifier put her into a deep, restful slumber.
-Babies get cranky for a variety of reasons you will never know. Your inner geek is going to want to find reasons for things and understand "the system". Resist this, it's futile 50% of the time. Instead, try random things: change the diaper, change position, walk around, sit them upright, lay them down, etc... It's good to have a bunch of stuff to run through. Sometimes, a screaming baby just needs his or her mom though, don't forget that.
-Babies like to be with you. Get a bouncer chair so you don't have to hold them all the time and they can watch you as you steal 5 minutes to post photos online. Get one with a vibration mode. They find it soothing and can nap for quite a while there.
-Plan on doing lots of laundry. Babies mess up their clothes and yours all the time. Make sure you have a basin or utility sink where you can soak clothing with detergent to get poop out of it before washing in the machine. We discovered Oxi Free (doesn't have any perfumes as opposed to regular Oxi) takes poop out really well and doesn't damage colors.
-Take tons of photos, they change a lot very quickly.
-Efficiency is key. Look for places to reduce labor. Are you always carrying pacifiers around the house? Leave one in each room. Spending lots of time washing bottles? Get a dishwasher rack that holds them. No time to clean your house? Get a cleaning person to come in and give it a once-over. Just as with a startup, sometimes it's better to trade money for time.
-Mom needs you more than you realize. Help her out. The biggest thing you can do is to suck it up, tell her to get some sleep and take the baby for a while. Yeah, you're exhausted, but babies need moms who aren't basket-cases. You'll survive.
-Talk to your pediatrician about any concerns you have, no matter how silly. They hear the same things a lot. A good one will give you excellent advice, even about things that aren't strictly "medical".
Best of luck to you. It's a life-changing experience and one of the happiest times in your entire life.
One of the reasons babies get cranky is that they can't properly digest baby formula - breastfeed babies are healthier, smell better, have better immunity to disease, have on average higher IQs, etc.. Bottlefeeding correlates with higher incidences of cancer for both mother and child.
Also once baby is 6months I highly recommend both starting potty training and "baby sign".
The first 5/6 months for our two before we started putting them on the potty did wear a bit thin, I don't like changing crappy nappies ("doody diapers"?). When "proper food" comes in alongside breast milk then the stench of crap is really horrible. It's only really now (16mo) that our second is signing to use the potty and doing most of his crap in it.
Babies don't just like to be with you, they like it when you communicate with them, they like to share body warmth, they respond well to skin contact.
Get a sling. You don't need an expensive pushchair and you can carry the baby around and use both your hands. Babies sleep well in a sling when you're walking around the cadence of the motion is familiar from being in the uterus I think and they also share close contact and communication with you.
"Pacifiers" to me are one of the worst commonly accepted things to do to a child but I'll withhold most of my rant and just say that watch out for retarded speech and the potential side effects of plasticisers like BPA/pthalates which are endocrine disrupters and pretty nasty - I wouldn't want my kid sucking on a stick of that stuff.
I'm glad you mentioned this -- this is my #1 tip for all new parents. But to hell with first few days (or weeks) -- freeze stuff like chili, curries, pasta sauces (with protein in them)... anything you can thaw and put on rice or pasta is great. My wife & I had a friend who was moving and needed to sell a full-size freezer that we put in our basement and totally filled over the 5 months before our daughter was born. That food lasted us months, and every time we thawed out something new we were very happy we'd done it.
I don't even remember who recommended the idea to us, but I wish I did, because we owe them big.
True that and good advice. Communication is impossible with a new-born. The kid can have a new diaper, be well fed and recently repositioned into their favorite posture but still have an itch on their nose or have a gassy tummy. They can't fix themselves and you'll be absolutely unable to determine what's wrong. There will be screaming (hopefully just on the baby's part). Resist the urge to take this as a personal defeat or as an accusation on the baby's part.
Eventually the situation should subside. Run through the random fixes, offer what comfort you can and know that sometimes the baby's just going to cry.
Speaking of photos, make sure you have an SLR/interchangeable lens camera with a good fixed ("prime") portrait lens.
The image quality of large sensor cameras is way ahead of compact cameras (not to mention camera phones). Given that young babies spend most of their time indoors, you need a fast lens to use natural light and avoid using the flash.
A friend found out that static from a radio will do the trick.
For example, we were told it's hugely important to lay your baby down in their cribs as they're drifting off to sleep, but still just slightly awake, so they build the association between crib and going to sleep; if you only lay them down after they're asleep, this tends to have repercussions (e.g. because of the lack of the association, you're not equipping your baby to be able to go back to sleep if they randomly wake up).
As I recall, there is actually a fair bit of research behind this, but admittedly it's been 6 yrs so I don't remember all the details.
White noise is helpful, but falls into the same type of category.
http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Wonders-Soothe-Seahorse/d...
You would not believe how much more sleep we got after picking up one of those. My daughter just turned one and we still use it every night and for her naps.
In terms of general advice, just be prepared to be exhausted beyond your expectations. I was working at a startup when my daughter was born and ended up going back to work shortly after, it was very challenging to say the least.
The best advice I can give you is don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to be getting a lot of things done, the change of pace is astonishing when you come to realization that you brought something amazing into the world that is 100% dependent on you for survival. Its no longer about you. Enjoy being a parent, its an amazing experience.
Will you find it a problem when she's 7 and still "needs" it? If so get another one for spare before they're discontinued or perhaps start on the methadone now.
I really like the free website simplynoise.com for white noise. Specifically, I find their oscillating brown noise to be soothing.
cat /dev/urandom > /dev/dsp
There is a free iPhone app too.
on Android :) You need root first, be aware, its quite loud >_<
I won't lie...it was SOOO anti-climatic for me. I didn't feel all bubbly inside when he was born, and I kinda felt bad because I thought that I might be horrible for not feeling all 'father-y'. I am not sure if this is something that happens to everybody, but it did to me.
The first three months were tough. Physically and mentally. Your wife is going through some more serious body changes (i.e. healing from bringing another human into the world), and the human you guys brought in is reliant on you for - literally - everything.
It can be psychologically draining and physically taxing. You get little sleep, no matter how much you try to sleep while the baby sleeps.
However, just remember that the first few months are the roughest....it usually gets better from there on.
My son is now 2.5 years old and I can't believe where the time has gone.
I ask him to say 'hippopotamus' and he says 'ip-oh-pon-oh-mus'. Just for that little moment alone, everything I have been through for the last 2.5 years, all the medical bills, all the midnight rushing to the ER, all diaper changes, everything is worth it.
Typically, once the baby starts responding to you, guys tend to prefer that stage. It is SOOO worth it...so just hang in there, and like ezmobius said - do what your wife wants (although you will be exhausted as hell you never went through what she went through, so no bitching) and do it with a smile. She will appreciate it. If she appreciates it, you will too :)
P.S. I have since deactivated my data plan on my bb, because when I was with my son, I realized I wasn't really 'with him'. I was always checking my mail or responding to bbm. It's good to be away from the computer when you are away from the computer.
P.P.S Oh...my wife is about to give birth to our second (a girl this time), so I was writing this as much for myself as it was for you. Just to remind myself what I went through and preparing myself for what is ahead. Once the 3 - 6 months pass, you forget it. So it's important to try to take a walk down memory lane.
A number of companies made plastic plugs one can insert into wall sockets to keep babies from exploring them. Unfortunately, at least one company makes them too small. We discovered this shortly after our child started crawling: he crawled to the socket, removed the plug, put it in his mouth, and attempted to re-insert it. We immediately replaced those plugs with ones that required effort for an adult to remove and were beyond what a baby could manage.
Dote on your wife. Give her a foot rub every night.
The burden of a child kind of weighs heavy at times - "holy crap I could serious fuck this kid's head up!" - but remember that most people grow up to be okay regardless of their parents. As long as you're a good and loving person so will your child be.
If you're like me, jokes about kids are going to become seriously unfunny for a few years. If you watch cop shows and dramas you'll notice a lot of kids dying or being threatened and where you might not have had those heartstrings to be tugged in the past, when they first get installed they are fiercely powerful.
My favorite book about childhood development is http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/055... "What's Going On In There" which was written by a neurobiologist because she started thinking about what was happening when she was pregnant. I consider it the Hacker's Guide to your Kid's Brain.
My oldest is 4 now, he's about to start junior kindergarten. Seeing him (and my youngest who is 6 months) develop is fascinating and rewarding. Don't give up on your goals and dreams but remember that there's always going to be work waiting for you. Your kids are only kids for a while.
When the baby is very small they sleep a lot. They sleep more when you're near them. When you have only one baby, (so there's not an older brother causing problems), you can get a lot of work done sitting next to the baby's crib. Type type type, hand him a bottle if he wants, or change him if he wants, or pacifier him if he wants, and then it's type type type again.
As they get older, the sleep becomes less and less, and you're so grateful when it comes that you tip toe around the house, hoping not to wake them up. From that point on, you will get less and less work done in the day time, as they sleep less and less in the day time. At that point, I started going to bed with him at 8:00PM or so, and waking at 2:00AM and then working away till it was time to go to my day job. It was the only time I could get any peace and quiet to focus.
One of our problems has been that our house is too open, so when the baby is sleeping in the swing or the boppy, the whole house needs to shut down. They spend 8 hours a night in their crib, which I assume you have in a bedroom, so they hate the crib. For daytime naps, they often refuse the crib (at least mine do), so you're stuck with them sleeping somewhere else that may not be as private from the rest of the house as you would like. If you can arrange that privacy, you'll be much happier.
Get you and your family into ROUTINE. It feels like groundhog day sometimes, but when you go out of routine, it's not good. Achieving a routine means you will be able to plan the work you need to do, and understand how much time you have. If you don't have a routine, then you will suffer be warned!
If you need time to work extra which means your wife is taking care of the kids more often than not, then respond in kind and give her time off, treat her, look after her. I never blame my wife for my stresses, ever. You will argue no doubt. Develop broad shoulders and take it on the chin, don't hold grudges, be there to support your wife.
Enjoy this new part of your life !!
1) Finish off your to-do list before the baby arrives. Setup the nursery; go see that movie you've always wanted to see; travel to places you've been meaning to visit; drink, party, and be merry; finish playing that video game; crank out a ton of code on that side project of yours. You will NOT have time to do any of that when the baby is here. Heck, it may be many years until you can get to some of things on your to-do list (such as travel somewhere far and exotic).
2) Prepare everything in advance, even if you think you won't need to. Your sleep-deprived-future-self will thank you. Go out and buy a ton of baby clothes in advance (newborn, 3 month, 6 months, 9-12 months). Buy a stock-pile of diapers, formula, baby-food, wipes, etc... Buy enough to last you at least half a year or more. Cook in advance so that you have "ready-to-eat" meals to throw in the freezer; make enough to last you a few months.
You will not have time (or the will) to cook, go shopping, or paint the nursery when the baby arrives.
It will get easier as they grow up :-)
I emailed a friend with some advice on items we found useful (and a few things we didn't), but it's too long to just paste here, so I'll summarize...
My Brest Friend (put this one in your "OMG the baby's coming" bag!), a baby carrier (we love our Beco, but find a carrier or sling that fits you while letting the baby breathe), "Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD, specially-designed swaddling blankets, and (optionally) a "yoga" ball for bouncing babies to sleep. Big stroller may not be necessary (we mostly wore our daughter, and that big stroller will eat the entire car trunk), but strollers with pneumatic tires are really nice to push.
Later, Kiddopotamus makes fantastic rubber bibs and placemats. (Seriously, their placemat is genius.) We found that the $25 Fisher-price "Healthy Care Deluxe" booster seat beats the pants off of much fancier highchairs.
Ping me at geeksam at gmail if you'd like the long version. (=
i) Take photos. Its amazing how much your child will change and how things that are front and centre in their/your life will fade when day-day life demands attention. Take as many pictures as you can so that you can look back in a couple of years' time and remember those things (and get a good backup plan in place NOW).
ii) All children develop at their own pace. Children pick up skills only on a very rough timescale: our eldest could do jigsaws when he was a year old but couldn't jump till he was nearly two. Our friend's daughter could draw recognisable pictures staggeringly early but didn't know where to start with a jigsaw puzzle. Now they're 3.5 and both of them can do all of those things perfectly well. Praise them for trying things not just for being good at them.
iii) try not to assume the worst. Its easy - especially with your first child - to get sucked into thinking that your child must have some uniquely awful illness or impediment to a normal life because they 'still' aren't sleeping/they have a cold that hasn't cleared up/they haven't fed well that day etc etc. Whilst these things can happen, and you should obviously watch out for signs of serious problems, chances are nothing sinister is behind it. Accept that this is a phase and that in a few days or weeks it will have passed and you'll get through the rough times much easier.
iv) share the sleepless nights the lack of sleep is tough. Try and agree a rota with your partner as to who will be 'point-man/woman' each night and let the other sleep (ideally in a spare room). The key word is agree - do your 'night-shifts' dilligently and don't be tempted to start comparing the difficulty of the shifts you've already done (i.e., a night where the child slept through doesn't mean your partner is on-shift the following night). These things will balance out.
I have a son who is almost 2, and two of his favorite things to do with me are to read books (he'll bring me a book, crawl up in my lap, and snuggle up. When we finish the book he runs off to get another one and repeats the whole process) and play with his hotwheels cars on my desk. It means the world to him when I clear off my notes and keyboard and mouse and just spend a half hour racing cars back and forth over it. That half hour I might have spent reading HN, or testing some new feature, or whatnot, sure, but I'm starting to learn that the things that seem small and unimportant to me are the highlight of his week. Don't get so caught up in providing for your family that you forget to be a father - it's enormously easy to do so.
- Don't expect a normal routine for the first 4 months. Don't expect anything normal for a few years after either.
- Sleep when the baby sleeps! (yeah, been said many many time already, but worth once more)
- Once the baby gets into a routine of regular sleep you can figure out times that work for you. So work at night while the baby sleeps but be sure to have a solid plan to be able to get sleep later...
- Through all this don't forget your wife/partner. Post-partum depression, stress of parenthood, sleep deprivation. You need to make sure you're there for each-other first and foremost. If you can't take care of yourselves, its harder to take care of a baby.
- Take time to enjoy parenthood. My oldest daughter is 2 and a bit now and its like she was just born yesterday and its gone so fast (then again it seems like she's been here forever - go figure)
Congrats!
NOTE: This is scattershot advice mixed with personal reflection. Salt liberally, expect typos.
I started working on Stormpulse in 2004 as a hobby project a few months after we had our first child. She slept horribly for the first two years of her life--very difficult to get to sleep and woke up a lot. The 'cry it out' method DID NOT WORK for us (some people insist that it works for all, but it doesn't. If it doesn't for you, know you're not alone). Get this DVD and watch it: http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8... (It could easily be titled "Hacks for getting a newborn to calm down and go to sleep." Worth every penny/second you'll spend and really easy stuff. Seriously, this is very important: watch this DVD--I just got out of bed to include this link because I would feel bad if you didn't know these amazingly powerful tricks that could spare your sanity many times over.)
I worked a full-time job and kept hacking on SP on nights/weekends through 2006. 2006 went full-time on the startup and it was fantastic because I got to spend a lot more time with our first than ever before. Times at the park on Tuesday mornings when everyone else is in their cube are really wonderful bonding times. You can give your wife a break by taking the kid on an errand. Love is a trip to the grocery store with the baby to give your wife a 30-minute break.
Our second was born in early 2008. I was back at a cube-job (though a great one) so I saw him less in the first year of his life than I might have liked, but by 2009 I was full-time on Stormpulse again (and have stayed that way). I won't lie, it's incredibly difficult. The hardest part is REALLY BEING THERE for your family even when your brain is screaming for you to work on the startup. Don't panic. Be there. Make lots of eye contact and actively listen. Your baby will quickly become a toddler that knows the difference between a mindless/reflexive "uh-huh" and real participation. It's better to stop for 30 seconds, get down and give them a hug than to spend 10 minutes saying 'one second, hold on' as they tug at your leg. Often they just need that 30 second re-connect.
Despite what I've just said about spending day-time hours with the family: work away from home if you can. The separation can be a very necessary thing. I was able to do this in an office very close to home until 2010. This year we had twins. They're 7 weeks old now. I am working at home and for the first time ever, it's working. Quitting HackerNews and Twitter can be life-saving steps. No time for that stuff (I've been up since 3:30am and am talking with my co-founder on AIM--I'm about to go back to sleep until 7:30am or so, I hope).
Let your startup fail before you let your family fail. Stormpulse hasn't failed yet, but I've had to 'give up on it' a couple times before I've been able to have a solid enough financial footing to launch into it again. Now we're at a stage where I don't expect to go back to other work and it's the absolute best setup for our whole family (we see how it contributes to Daddy's involvement at home, rather than how it takes away). I was fortunate to at least start while our first was very small, so that my wife went through that early time where all I did was work or moonlighting and the kids know a gentler reality of "Daddy works but he's also around a lot".
One final thought--when things get tough (time pressures, children aren't behaving, whatever), never blame your wife for anything, ever--even when it appears supremely obvious that she's at fault. Instead, take responsibility and figure out what you could have done differently and what you can do differently going forward. That has gotten me a through a lot of difficult times with family + startup. Giving and sacrifice are the new norm, but once you're there you won't have it any other way.
With 2 children, and with 1.5 weeks left on paternity, I've been hacking away at DuctMail in short spurts. Full time job waiting for me to return, and Mommy is on her 1-year maternity leave (I love Quebec).
I'd add more, but frankly, this post (the parent) is dead-on-balls accurate. Sadly, I have but one vote to give.
BTW the late Tracy Hogg (Baby Whisperer) is also highly recommended; she was also a big proponent of swaddling.
#1: Family / Relationship #2: Work #3: Business #4: Personal Time / Relaxation #5: Side Work / Consulting
After 9 months your kid will get into a rhythm, sleep at night from 7 till 7 and take 2 two hour naps during the day. This will give you more time to start hacking again. After another 9 months your kids rhythm will change again. Still sleeping from 7 till 7 at night, but only one longer 3 hour nap during the day.
Off course every kid is different, but my kid, and the kids of my friends generally follow this sleeping pattern.
Ha ha ha. Neither of our boys has ever slept for 12 hours AFAIR. I'll agree with the distinct changes in sleeping patterns though - usually within a week for us and it's all changed around, it seems to indicate a big change like teeth coming or growth spurt, etc. or follow one like walking or taking more regular food.
Father of two sons, a 20-month old and a 1-week old.
Everything changes, best to accept it and just try to roll with it. Every kid is different, even if you have twins, every parent is different, even your and your partner. What works one night for might not work the next, or vice versa!
Expect your hours to change, unless you've got an extended family to help out with the bub.
Leaving them to cry it out is not a great idea, because it undermines their sense of security and may make them more clingy later.
I find it difficult to work 60 hours per week, take my kids to sports and then muster energy when they sleep to work on startup
Advice?
No matter how much time you think kids will take, it will take longer, even if you take this advice into account.
Remember that guy in college who started playing EQ and (nearly) flunked out? It's more time-consuming than that.
I hope it helps.
My daughter though is my biggest treasure, nothing in life will ever make me as happy, fullfilled and scared of loosing than her.
I've been a dad now for 3 months (currently working long hours and waiting for baby to wake up for her 3am feeding)
I've learned to value sleep, I think of weekend afternoons as brain-rebuilding sessions, I sleep as much as I can saturdays and sundays.
Now, I try to do email, hacker news and all the dilly dallying after I'm home and everyone is asleep, during the day I try to be as productive as possible, since I feel I should head home as early as I can to be with my daughter and help my wife.
Congratulations and welcome to the club (it's indeed a club, you'll notice other parents nodding back at you when you have your baby with you, also you'll notice how babies are to women as hot girls are to guys, they can't help but turn around and look at you and your baby)
Seems modafinil replaces amphetamines for keeping you really awake when your body wants to sleep. I don't think that the first response to your body saying it needs sleep should be to reach for some mood altering drugs to make it pretend to itself that it doesn't really need sleep.
Grandparents. If you've got 'em close enough (ours aren't) then they, or other friends/family that will do a couple of hours with the kids, are what you need IMO.
Sure, it shouldn't be the first response - I mentioned "crisis" and high intensity situations. Modafinil has a longer term but similar effect to caffeine, but without most of the negative side effects. Like you shouldn't be fueling your short nights with caffeine (though many parents do), you shouldn't be popping modafinil every night either. Temporarily? Both techniques could provide a respite from soul crushing fatigue.
Also, don't buy any books. They're all a waste of money, and you probably have enough common sense and natural instinct for the first 18 years.
You don't have to buy lots of books if you know a lot of smart parents who can bring you up to speed (and who live nearby or with you), but there's a lot of info to learn if you don't have solid kid experience yourself already.
Ugh, even worse, don't ask the smart parents to bring you up to speed, at least not the ones who are going to start cramming some ridiculous child-rearing philosophy down your throat. I will not reproduce again, because I never want to hear the terms "La Leche League", "Co-Sleeping", or "Attachment Parenting" ever again.
As the father of two -- neither of whom slept through the night from day one -- I had to restrain myself from downvoting you for that one, bud :-)
> don't buy any books ...
You're joking, right?
As for the books, yes. I feel that most of them are detrimental and written by quack new-age hippy psychologists. One of the books we were given literally told us to place crystals next to our daughter when she slept to keep her "biorhythms" in check.
Nannies are also awesome.
(I heard it in some random YouTube video once, which just goes to show that good advice can be found in strange places)
A few thoughts:
(a) Schedule is key. Put the little buggers on a schedule and keep to it.
(b) The parent's bed is sacred, no child shall pass. We were very strict with this rule. Our kids have never been in our bed to sleep.
(c) Free time is key, one of the best things we did was get a nanny/house keeper on Saturday. That way we can leave the kids at home and go have a nice lunch together and maybe see a movie without the hassle of babysitters and late nights.
(d) Start waking up early, way early. Nearly 4 years into fatherhood I am still searching for the ways to attain my lost productivity. One of the biggest has been to simply wake up earlier. Kids bring about a new world order. Accept and move on and embrace the 4:30 wakeup.
Don't have kids, no "hassle"!
As for (d) kids are your productivity, they're are what you've produced, they will be your lifes work. Don't sideline them, don't let nannies have all the fun.
I let a 7yo I'd never met take my 16mo old off to the playpark today .. I did watch from less than 50m away though, perhaps I'm holding the reins too tight?