Good read, thanks! The draft seemed to me more living and personal, while the finished version is pure idea. I wonder if it's possible to keep the intimate tone when you're editing for clarity.
Interesting question. I think it would be hard. Maybe you could leave in occasional chatty bits to preserve that tone, at the cost of only a little extra length.
I think that intimacy is the awkwardness that's natural to real time conversation. Like where he knocks passion fruit. I laughed because of how out of tone it seemed.