I think the possibility of you trying to adjust other people's plans is why your child doesn't get invited.
That doesn't make it fair, but I suspect there's some amount of truth to it.
>Kids with disabilities want to socialize; the need to affiliate is deeply human and present in all of us. Children like Esprit may not be able to participate exactly as typical kids do, but who cares? My wife would not have been indignant if a playdate had included more babies, so the typical kids could do typical kid stuff while Esprit watched. Just ask a disabled child's parents whether the planned activity will work for their son or daughter. If an adjustment is needed we can figure it out together.
To be honest I liked the article and it makes a good case and has given me a new perspective. Especially this last one is quite morbid:
>For parents of a severely disabled child, the big picture is dominated by a future cataclysm. For my wife and me, it's that, although Esprit has lived nearly 15 years, we will likely survive her. For other parents, it's that their child will likely survive them.
Near the end, it was tough. People would think he was drunk because of his movements, but the staff at a restaurant he was a regular at always made him feel welcome, even giving him a special parking space near the back door. Little things like that mean so much.
Adjusting a play date is very common. Like everything to do with parenting (at the age where play dates are common), flexibility is key. Everything from timing "We will be 20 minutes late, Jane is still napping" the environment "Thanks for inviting baby Thom also, can you try to keep him on a blanket as he is allergic to grass".
No parent will begrudge a reasonable change, as the expectation is that these are reciprocal. If you host a play date, you expect to attend one - with any changes needed to accommodate your child being taken into account.
It's much more likely to be the other parents discomfort and awkwardness around the out-of-ordinary care needs of the disabled child.
I started to see the discomfort people feel in socializing with disabled kids when Esprit reached 6 months. Until then, my wife was invited to playdates, where she and another mom drank coffee while the babies gurgled on the floor. The invitations stopped when the other kids could sit up, something Esprit wouldn't do for years.
As a parent of a disabled child, I understand that people might feel uncomfortable talking about disability for fear of offending, or just because of a fear of the unknown. Parents such as me haven't always been parents of disabled children - we've been where you are!
So please talk openly - just ask. Nobody can think badly of you for trying to learn more. Parents will help you out if needed, nobody will take pleasure from watching you squirm. Just trying to be inclusive will be appreciated.
As far possible, I believe children with disabilities should be integrated into normal schools and normal life in general - we can't change attitudes by segregating our children into 'special' schools and groups. When disabled people are as visible as 'typically able' people, then things will begin to really change.