Comment by somelostperson | Hacker News Reader

Comment by somelostperson | Hacker News Reader

I'm 52 and completely and utterly lost. None of my early goals (wife, kids, close friends, personal company) have been reached. I have no hangout buddies, no really close friends, no SO. Sometimes in the last 10 years my interests dried up. Since my teens I wanted to have a company in a certain industry and that industry changed and holds almost no interest now. I've no idea how to get my groove back. I still mostly enjoy programming but I hate feeling like life is happening while I stare at a screen even though I keep staring.

People tell me to get out and I do, tried surfing for example, didn't really appeal to me. Tried dancing, same. Did lots of traveling but it's not so fun alone for a 50 yr old guy.

I mostly feel now it's partly about luck as well. Meeting the right people, having the right support groups is invaluable. Pretty much everyone I meet that I might work with though is just looking for cheap labor as "I have this idea, you're an engineer, how about you do all the work for free and I'll take all the money if we make any" or at least that's how it feels.

As for as whether or not 52 is old sure it's not as old as 70 or 90 but ... society in general labels me as old. Various forms require an age listed and 45+ or 50+ is the last group. HN tells me I'd have trouble being hired. Not yet my experience but certainly on my mind. Going to almost any bar, club, meetup, hackathon and I'm the oldest one there.

I don't feel I've lost my ambition. If I had then maybe I'd be content. Rather I just lost direction and belonging.

I'm too young to be giving you advice, but if according to what you have written 1) you have few responsibilities to others 2) little satisfaction in your current life (not much to lose) and 3) you're still healthy, then you are logically in a position to take risks and maybe do something wholly out of your comfort zone, or at least take the time to do some radical thinking about your existence and what you really value.

Wholly agree with above sentiment and advice. I'm in my sixties, which amazes me daily, as other than some recognition of slowing down physically I don't have a clear sense of being young or old. I'm also about to start looking for work again, about which I feel less dread than I anticipated, mostly due to reasons others have given: less anxiety about the future as more water passes under the bridge. But to the original point, as you said, one definitely shouldn't be afraid of venturing outside one's comfort zone ... or if too self-controlled, consider deliberately placing oneself in a situation you can't strictly control. Otherwise one continues to plow the same rut until the end, simply because it's the one you're in.

Not knowing what to do is a tricky problem, and lots of people seem to be suffering from it at the moment. The negative side of middle age is knowing the bad effects of things like new technologies, so finding it harder to get excited about them.

I think we've destroyed lots of the support structures that at other times would have helped. So yes, first of all - it's not necessarily just you, the environment is involved too.

I think there's a wise route out, and people do get there. I don't know what it is. Some things that might help in case you haven't tried:

1. Psycotherapy. Even if you don't have clinical depression, this can still be valuable. Look for a practice (better than a single person as they're vetted, can find the best person for you, and mentor each other) and words like "integrative therapy" and "transactional analysis". It can be expensive. I've a friend who goes for a few months every two years even if mentally well, as it helps. Like a very emotionally aware life coach.

2. Life changes. Things like meditation are so popular to almost be a cliche, but I think they can help. If you're more philosophical maybe things like https://meaningness.com/ will inspire more than more hippy materials. Getting just a bit healthier, sounder sleep, improved diet but do so in a simple way by following someone non-obsessive, non-fadish - I recommend podcast and books by https://drchatterjee.com/

Good luck! You're not alone.

I feel for you, this could happen to anyone, I admire your honesty posting this and sharing.

All I can suggest is that you look at how you can help some people or causes you care about - I don't know what those would be... sick kids, kids in distress, animals, old people, culture, education, the environment, but something that matters to you. Perhaps this won't work, but at the worst I can't imagine it would be any less than neutral.

Acts 20:35 - "In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

Giving is exactly what turned one blogger's bipolar struggles into something manageble [1]:

"I felt trapped, waiting for the descent, wondering how steep, prepared somewhat for its arrival because it had never not come. Now, though, here was a PhD telling me the altruistic acts Buy Nothing Bainbridge enabled me to perform spurred production of chemicals that actually helped heal my misfiring synapses."

Sometimes science and religion do converge around the same truth. Some form of meaningful (to the recipient) giving is one path that would restore the "lost direction and belonging" mentioned in the top parent.

[1] https://buynothingproject.org/2013/12/23/my-buy-nothing-expe...

Reply on news.ycombinator.com