Never had any of this happen, it's quicker and easier than even using contactless credit cards for me. And it's becoming really commonplace in the UK.

1) You've never unlocked your phone before? How weird.

2) How broken is your phone? Never had this issue (I use android pay multiple times per day)

3) This is unusual, to the point of not being a thing here - Applepay is compatible with contactless EMV, as is Android Pay and there's basically nothing to be done at the merchant end to support it.

4) Of course there's a way to tell, they all have the four lights at the top, either physically or on-screen, plus there's the contactless logo the display on-screen.

These imagined impediments are hilarious though, you should have a sketch show.