Money, youthful ignorance (and a desire to get the fuck out of Florida) and an inability to fill out an application probably due to my truck load of self esteem issues (though there is always the possibility that I fail not because I think I'm garbage but because I actually am).
Grad school is also an option, and you don't have to go for physics (which is fairly competitive). I got into a CS program, have a friend doing EE, and know of plenty of people doing ME, AE, CE, etc. People will read "Physics degree" as "smart" or "worked hard".
> not because I think I'm garbage but because I actually am
Sounds like imposter syndrome. It is extremely common, though I know it is extremely difficult to deal with (coming from personal experience).
No really the last time I filled out an application it took me two months from start to finish and I considered it progress because I wasn't crying by the end of it. January 2017 ish a Prof offered me several research projects, after not responding to him for two weeks I am now hiding from him for the rest of my life.
I am absolutely aware that I am on paper qualified for all sorts of shit.
That doesn't change the reality that I am emotionally incapable of doing anything with it.
Which goes back to my coworkers who are all absolutely capable of better paying jobs but at some point you just stop believing that something else is possible. Then what?
Sounds like you might want to message them. Small progress is still progress. Some days you make leaps and bounds, but most days we barely make a step. And that is okay.
> I am absolutely aware that I am on paper qualified for all sorts of shit.
>> For 30k plus benefits I'd strangle puppies.
Anxiety and writing an email sounds better than strangling puppies for a (low wage) living.
> That doesn't change the reality that I am emotionally incapable of doing anything with it.
Get a therapist.
> at some point you just stop believing that something else is possible. Then what?
GET A THERAPIST
Seriously, if you are at the point where emailing someone is causing you so much anxiety that you are literally sabotaging yourself to work jobs that you are way over qualified for (and thus make you clearly miserable), you need to see someone professional. Because you said it yourself:
> I am qualified for all sorts of shit.
b) 30 grand and benefits in Albuquerque isn't a low wage it's god damned pinkies out upper class.
c) I am not over qualified to be a stock boy (though I am damned good at it) I am orthogonally qualified for other jobs.
d) yeah I am aware that a therapist would help but that self sabatoge came after 6 months of counseling and antidepressants... More effective therapy is either non existent or out of my price range.
https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-ho...
Unfortunately I've never heard about therapy for this - there's just a different medication than antidepressants - but maybe reading that would help you.
It requires a paradigm shift in the way you think, which is not easy. The first step is making a commitment to change.
Turns out it doesn't and I'm going to spend the next umpteen years saving up again for a third useless degree.
C'est la vie.
I’d recommend mindful breathing exercises and meditative practices. CBT may also help you. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Hope that helps, and best of luck to you.
On medication I don't want to die. It's not great but it's a damn sight better than the decade preceding it.
Went off medication for the summer and fall after 9 months. Failed 4 of 5 classes.
Doing the meditation and breathing and shit too. Turns out that in order to make positive changes in your life you have to be willing to make positive changes in your life. Which I'm not currently.
Like I said: c'est la vie.
Checkout 'inner engineering' on audible.com,
also try a grounding mat
I'm pretty hardcore existential-naturalist (existentialism actually was a reaction against naturalism by I am a born syncretic) and as a result the anarchy of LeGuin's the Dispossessed or Kropotkin's Conquest of Bread present more or less identical praxis but with out the need for faith in anything more than my neighbors.
A shit ton of theoretically attainable jobs seem out of reach to even the emotionally healthy. When your 20 and you just want to go to sleep and never wake up: every job seems out of reach and that number is going up.
And again I can't stress this enough. Even when healthy many many jobs seem out of reach.
Fella 'cross town said he's lookin' for a man
To move some old cars around
Maybe me and Marie could find a burned-out
Van and do a little settlin' down
Aw, but I'm just dreamin', I ain't got no ride
And the junkyard's a pretty good ways
That job's about a half week old besides
It'd be gone now anywayMaking money is a stressful endeavour. Everybody deals with stress differently. Some people like a lot of stress. Other people have a lot of difficulty with it. Often it's hard for people to understand others who are in the opposite condition (Those who have difficulty with stress are seen to be weak or lazy, those who thrive on stress are seen to be manic or even evil). It's great to at least understand yourself, and while it should not stop you from trying to become the person you want to be, it's pretty damaging to ignore who you are now.
Making money is stressful because you have a lack of control. You are either spending your time doing what others want you to do (always hanging that carrot in your face), or you are spending your time doing high risk things in the hope that it will pay off (always flirting with failure). In contrast, not spending money is an exercise in control. Everything comes from you because you do not have enough money to depend on others.
In many ways it's the complete opposite of trying to make money. You need to move to a quiet location where the cost of living is as low as possible. You have to prioritise time working for yourself over working for others. You have to cook, clean, sew, grow your own food, etc, etc for yourself. It's not easy (and not at all for everybody), but for someone who is capable it's a way of simplifying your interfaces and giving you back a sense of control.
I can't really give you specific advice because we are different, but the main thing is to view spending time for yourself as more profitable than working for someone else. For example, spending an hour making dinner for yourself is more valuable than spending an hour working to pay for going out to a restaurant. Spending time growing herbs on the windowsill (or even building a makeshift hydroponics system out of spare parts) is more valuable than buying herbs (or whatever) in the store.
It's easy to get into the mindset that $100 is an hour's work if you are paid $100 per hour. Can you generate $100 in an hour of your own time? But $100/hour is $200K per year and that $100 becomes really devalued. If you are living on $10K per year, the same $100 has a completely different value to you. At $5/hour it makes enormous sense to leverage your own time rather than collecting peanuts from others. In that very strange way, the less you make, the more valuable your time is to you -- because what you do with it becomes much more important.
I don't want to discourage your from finding ways to get past an issue that is obviously causing you a lot of pain. However taking a time out to work for yourself, rather than for others may help you get some breathing room.
But being able to save money doesn't change the ability to see possibilities as actually possible which is the fundamental reason so many people are not going into "skilled labor" trade jobs.
I'll wake up tomorrow and take a step. The upside to knowing there is no destination is that while no step takes you forward, no step takes you back either?
For me, what worked was getting another human being (my parents, in this case) to help me through getting the applications done, and following up with people I'm being avoidant about, and generally reminding me that I was being ridiculous. Also, it helped to find out that these were all really common manifestations of certain kinds of Brain Problems(tm) (anxiety in particular), which made me feel like less of a lazy worthless piece of shit and more like just a dude with a problem, and also directed me to various kinds of therapy & medication which have been helpful at fixing the issue.
Everything against everything, is me. If someone even just super passively tries to support me in an endeavor I am 1000% more likely to not do it. If they try to push me to do it I absolutely will not out of spite.
I harbor no illusions that I am particularly unique so I'm willing to bet you, or some one reading this, was exactly the same, until they weren't; unfortunately for me I am me until I'm not.