Dear HN: Please help me save my life
A few weeks ago I went with my family to a forest for a walk. We were walking back through the forest to go home, but the rest of my family was walking very slowly, so I was a bit ahead and alone in the forest. What happened is I saw a person walk by me, an older guy. A few minuts later my family finally joined me and we walked a few more minutes to our car. What happened then is I got a thought "what if I killed the guy". This thought really started playing over and over in my head and I spent two weeks getting rid of it. I went to see a psychologist and she said this is OCD and I should start a therapy. I had OCD symptoms before - mostly "what if I hit someone with my car".
Two weeks after this I had an idea of going back to the forest and checking to see if I can remember anything or find a body - I know, it sounds crazy. So I went back there, went the route we took before and found nothing. I left the forest, drove home (apprx. 40 miles) and suddenly got the idea "what if I didn't look carefully. So I went back 40 miles, checked it out again and drove back towards home. Then, again, after apprx. 6 miles on my way home from the forest (I somehow remember when I turned the car around (6 miles) I got the thought to "check again" and went back again. So I checked and then went home for good. For the rest of the day I felt very nervous and kept thinking "what if something was there". The next day I had the urge to check it out again but didn't drive there. Then, another day passed and I kept thinking "what if I saw something red there - the old man I saw there was wearing red something" - but I don't remember seeing anything red there. So, then, another day passed and then this HORRIBLE thought came - what if I killed someone there when I went there for the second time and not the first time? I don't remember seeing anyone there. I went a few days ago to check the forest with my friend (since I don't trust myself alone anymore) and we couldn't find anything. My friend is sure it never happened. I felt ok then. But the next day I had this thought "what if I killed someone there and put their body in the trunk of the car and dropped it off somewhere so it wouldn't be in the forest?"- when I was there for the 2nd time I don't remember the place where I turned the car around after the 6 miles. And this thought has been killing me. I don't remember seeing anybody, killing anybody and putting a body in the trunk or putting someone out of the trunk. I am trying to find logical reason why this couldn't happen.
I am starting a therapy but I know the only thing that will help is finding some logical proof or reason why this couldn't happen. That's why I'm turning to technical HN users - is there any kind of technical aspect that would help me somehow reason with this? For instance: If I killed someone, there would be bruises on my body etc. or If I put someone in the trunk there would be something left etc...
Please help - I am lost and this seems like the end of the world to me..
I appreciate all your help - I really do.