Ask HN: How did you deal with the fact that you were growing old | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How did you deal with the fact that you were growing old

21 pointssmithmayowa24 comments

Dear middle aged hackernewsers, how did you deal with the fact that you were growing old and leaving your twenties behind, I am asking this cause lately I've been terrified and having panic attacks at the thought that in a few years time(6 years to be exact) I will leave my twenties behind and literally start becoming old, this is even more scary as I remember becoming 20 years old like it happened just last year.

To deal with this issue I have resulted to scorning new music's and movies, for music's and movies which were released 4 to 10 years ago, I am even surprised by the sheer number of movies and music that were made during these period.

Also this month will make it exactly a year that I lost my dad, which further makes the thought of me getting old frightening to me as I'm also kinda scared that getting old will mean I will lose a lot more people close and dear to me.

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(I'm 32)

The first thing I came to terms with is that 30 isn't "old". I'm looking at 40 up ahead, and that isn't "old" either.

My parents both turned 60 recently, and even though they're greying slightly, I honestly don't consider them to be "old". My dad plays drums in a band, they get booked to play at all kinds of parties locally. He built a practice room in their house, complete with separate mixing booth and recording facilities. When they go play, they lug all the gear themselves and set up a stage and everything.

My mom does realistic movie character doll heads for Barbie-size dolls, sews clothes for them and builds complete dioramas.

My uncle, who's in his mid-60s and just retired earlier this year sails kayaks and has built both a beautiful wooden kayak as a birthday present for my aunt, and he's making another for himself. He's also still active in the regional dog training club, for over 30 years now.

You get older, but you only get old if you give up and stop doing things you like, if you get overly conservative and start just complaining about everything, instead of going out and doing things.

Dude, you're 24! Life is just starting! Get out there and enjoy it! :-)

51 here ;))

I'm having a lot more fun than when I was 21 ;) Stay healthy, be careful with your relationships and stop worrying.. There's only one way out and it's the same for everyone

You're 24 and you think like this? If you don't sort out your thinking, you are headed for a miserable existence. Read the stoics, help people, visit a senior centre, get out of your head. You are a pup so your flawed thinking is forgivable and even expected. That youth is wasted on the young used to seem trite to me but when I read stuff like this I nod at that saying in sad agreement.

Edit: I will add that I'm 46, at what is statistically the nadir of contentment. I think about my aging every day and have to reconcile it with gratitude...this is how all things are reconciled.

Growing old at 24? Thanks for the (grand)Father's day laugh.

I’m 63 and “old” has always seemed to be at least 10 years than I am at the time. I know people my age may say they’re feeling old but inside we (at least the men) still have a middle school mentality.

I’m only 46 (so a bit younger) but I totally agree.

Yesterday night I was looking at my hairs going more and more gray and thought « How can that be ? I still feel like I was a student some years ago ! »

31 here.

Growing old for me was mostly about accomplishment, "am I doing everything I want/need to do while I'm still young?"

I mostly am succeeding, have a nice stable career and am a father of one. I admit that this success was mostly dumb luck and I didn't have any master plan or list of goals.

You're where I was when I was your age, you might benefit from introspection to see what you want to get done before you hit age milestones, and go and do it!

As for the "everything new is dumb bit," yeah that happens to most people. I encourage you to force yourself to listen to new music and experience current culture. It's very easy to become ossified over time, and you should grow older with an open mind about all things.

By the way, I've found that making memories and experiencing new things with friends and loved ones is the best way to not only slow the passage of time, but also pacify the thoughts of "oh god I'm getting old." Having a pool of memories to attach to your age helps your thoughts go from "I am afraid of getting older" to "I can't wait to see what else I get to do."

> 31 here.

> Growing old for me was [...]

You're not old yet.

Eyeroll.

Original poster is 20 going on 30 and clearly worried about that milestone, like I was, like many 20-somethings in the industry that are taught that young=desirable. Let's not kid ourselves, there's a de facto shelf life for developers in SV and elsewhere due to current culture, and I think it's a hard thing to come to terms with. I probably could have chosen better language (and might be perpetuating the problem due to that language) but drive by comments that are like "haha you're not old" maybe be "technically right" but don't really help anyone.

If you really are having panic attacks about turning 30 (in 6 years??!!), I would suggest finding a therapist and getting a prescription for Xanax.

Like the other poster says, 60 is not even 'old' if one's attitude is correct. 45 or so, the biology slows down and you really start to feel it, but I've stopped ruminating (mostly) over all the missed opportunities and risks I did not take while younger (aka 40), and now have a laundry list of things to do.

Getting older is also nice in that I can more clearly see how Western civilization is completely full of shit and so I thus get to do what I damn well please (within the constraints of my ethical system, which is not pathological like a lot of the 60,70 year old asshole politicians out there <all of them>)

The sooner you realize exactly how much the West is truly a bunch of nonsense, the freer a person you will be. be in the world, but not of it. Then you'll stop being scared of death.

Turning 36 in a month and I agree that sometimes it's hard to cope with the fact that I'm no longer in my 20's. I don't think it's the fact that i'm aging as I certainly enjoy the wisdom, the money, the confidence that age has brought me, it's the increased responsibility that seems to come with age. People feel the need to constantly ask me (especially family members) questions like "when are you getting married" "when are you having kids". I think that's what bugs me about getting old. Feeling the need to settle down when I don't want to. The thing that I'm working on remembering is that I need to live life on my own terms and fuck what everyone else is thinking I should be doing. Same advice I would give to you. Enjoy your life no matter what age you are and live it at your own pace.

I'm 10 years older than you.

When I was 26 I was dealing with the same questions you're facing now. For me, it turned into an obsessive compulsive behavior - I had very frequent panic attacks and was constantly worried about my health (even though I was 100% healthy).

It was a very dark time for me, and the only thing that helped me was antidepressants. No therapy, self help books or meditation.

I also discovered that some people have negative opinions about antidepressants based very limited interaction with it. I tried at least 4-5 different meds until I found that one that works good for me, with minimal side effects.

Take your mental health seriously, it is as important as your physical health. Panic attacks are not something that should be ignored. Consult a therapist or a psychiatrist.

The questions that bother you have no real answer. We're all going to die, and loose people that are dear to us. The only thing you can control is how you live with it.

The issue of death fear was historically(almost allways) solved by religion. Many people in the last century chose to be de facto atheist, which of course has its advantages but like the former also disadvantages. There is no solution to this phenomenon otside of religion.

Religion is absolutely not the only solution.

It's enough to just realize and come to terms with the fact that life eventually ends, and make sure to have fun while it lasts. Especially when the alternative is religion.

Everyone is getting older, not just you. That's just the course of life. There are beautiful things in life and at the same time scary, unpleasant or even heart-breaking. It's just the balance we need to understand and respect. There's not something we can do about it. We need to appreciate the life to it's fullest with all its flaws and joys. Don't judge yourself or keep a grudge on things you cannot change. It will wear you out and you won't reach any resolution. Of course, it might sound easier said than done. Though you'd be doing yourself a favor spending more time with people you love and cherishing every day you have with them instead of throwing yourself into this void. Accept things that you cannot change and use that saved energy to spread good and enjoying life in general. I myself have similar moments and it sometimes seems unbearable but I really try to step back a little and observe my thoughts as much as I can. 99% of the time I'm just being too emotional and life, in general, is not as bad as it seems. Many people have it worse so appreciate what you have and live a life that fills you and your loved ones with joy. Don't worry about the number on your passport.

And remember to enjoy things while you're doing them, instead of always being in a rush to the next thing.

I started my own company as a 'lifestyle business' not a Unicorn-moonshot. This means I make a consistent healthy profit which I get to bring home, I make my own hours so I can take a day to see my kid's play or go rock climbing with my friends. But this business will never attract VC funding or grow to a billion dollars.

I also took up rock-climbing at the age of 46, loved it and now spend as much time as I can trad-climbing up in the mountains. This keeps me healthy strong and sane.

At 24 you seem like a kid to me. The difference between our ages is larger than your age. If you're feeling an existential crisis now what the hell are you going to do when you're 50?

Relax. You're not knocking on death's-door. It's a marathon not a sprint. You have no idea what great things and big challenges are ahead of you.

Make a bucket-list and start living. I recently found my old bucket-list from my 20s and am happily surprised at how many things I've done from the list: scuba-diving, having a family, starting my own company, making a million etc.

35 here.

If not for the physical aspect of it (better take care of your body now, because it doesn't get easier), my experience of growing old is pretty awesome.

You get cool perks like seniority and respect just because you don't look like a kid anymore. Even though you think it's mostly the same "you" than in your 20s, people, mostly rightly, assume you're wiser and more trustworthy.

That translated, at least to me, into getting more money and less shit for roughly the same amount of work, less need to prove my worth and all in all a chiller life. Money is a lot less an issue than it was before, meaning I don't stress about that much anymore (definitely not the case for everyone, but I would gamble it is for most of the HN crowd). A lot of things that were sources of stress are now under control or in the DGAF category (money, women, career, ...) and I can focus on more interesting parts (family, the meaning of life, everything).

10/10, would grow older again.

Wow, this post gives me perspective.

I'm 53 this year, and I welcome the next few years ahead as I look forward to retirement. (I hope it's as good as I think it will be.) I don't recall ever feeling anxiety about an upcoming birthday. I guess I'd credit that to:

- A long-game mindset, mostly. Max out your retirement plan, save in tax-advantaged ways. You'll love to project your balances thinking forward. (You won't dread the years ahead.)

- Come to grips with your mortality. There are a lot of ways to do this, mine mostly has to do with religion. Find some way that works for you. Don't be afraid of death, learn to accept it.

- Find a good partner to age with. Go for a 'keeper' marriage and put in the proper maintenance.

Good luck!

It's life. I can't put it a better way. You can either accept what life has given you or you can fight it. And fighting it is fufile anyway. Embrace that you are getting older and do your best to be the best person you can be every day.

Many of the downsides about 'being old' can be staved off with proper diet, fitness, (don't smoke, don't do drugs) moderate alcohol, and some common sense like don't destroy your knees with running. If you are fortunate by the time you are old you will have wisdom and grandchildren.

I have only one rule for that: never think that you are old. Accept everything (physical changes) as it is & never compare yourself with the "old" you.

Well, maybe that's not exactly one (rule)...

51 here. My mind hasn't changed. I think more before I speak. I listen more. My body hurts a bit sometimes and takes longer to heal, but basically everything is just better.

There is no need to "deal" with it. You're the same person you were yesterday, just a little wiser and a little slower.

Take care of your health and enjoy life.

I think if you have a kid later on you'd worry less about growing old and more about making sure your kid grows old.

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