Comment by DoreenMichele | Hacker News Reader

Comment by DoreenMichele | Hacker News Reader

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Yikes.

I did the homemaker thing. The ex was career military, we had special needs kids and I had serious health problems. It was the right thing to do, but I am still trying to get on my feet financially post divorce.

We had a 1950s style marriage where he was the breadwinner. I come from a much more financially savvy and financially conservative family than he did. His idea of what to do with a pay raise: Finance more debt!

I found it completely crazy making.

I never want to be financially dependent on a man again. At some point, I decided the best thing I could do to make a damn difference in the world would be to leave behind my Pink Collar Ghetto aspirations and do any damn thing I want with my life instead of continuing to care about the world while the world doesn't give a flying fuck about me and my bills.

I sometimes wish I could talk some sense into other women. If you need to express some need to care, get a pet.

(No offense intended. I am trying to be sympathetic.)

No offense taken! Divorce is a shit sandwich, no matter which end you are on.

If I may ask, were attorneys involved on either side in your case? I suspect that is the main differentiator between my experience and others that I have talked with that were able to settle on a sane number with their ex.

My ex-wife and I did the homemaker thing too. A lot of my peer group did. I don't think it works these days. No offense intended, but just like you never hope to be financially dependent on a man, I hope to never have a woman that is financially dependent on me again.

were attorneys involved?

No, we had a DIY divorce.

I'm actually a rather skilled negotiator in some sense, though I don't usually say so because I think that gives people a completely different idea than what I really mean. I mean more like diplomat or like the guy in the movie The Negotiator. [1]

We kept lawyers out of it and that meant there was more pie to go around because we weren't giving tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers. That made it easier for both of us to give a little here and there.

My divorce was surprisingly amicable, more so than my marriage. We agreed ahead of time that we were not going to leave either party in a shithole of financial mess. (I sometimes joke that if we hated each other and wanted to make each other miserable, we could have just stayed together. :-P)

I have been to his house once post divorce and met his new wife. His life seems to be pretty okay these days.

[1] https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120768/

Yeah, I was pretty skilled too, and we had it all agreed to, and then the night before the appearance she decided she wanted $20K for my unvested RSUs and $5K for a house with no community property value because we had used some money from an inheritance she got to replace the AC two years before we split. That's when the attorneys got called, and the rest is history.

Your story sounds like most I have heard where no lawyers got involved. Hell hath no fury like a partner scorned (with a retainer).

Glad to hear that you made it out without exercising Mutually Assured Destruction. :)

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