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Comment by autarch | Hacker News Reader

I get what you're saying, but if someone says "the way you phrased that really bothers me because it sounds like a rape joke", I think the best response is to say "sorry, I didn't mean it that way, let's find a better way to phrase that", not "no, it's not a rape joke and you shouldn't be upset."

Hearing "no doesn't necessarily mean no" as a play on "no means no" is not some insane unreasonable interpretation, and "no means no" has been pretty consistently used as an anti-rape slogan for ages.

And maybe that phrase has been used that way in sales for ages, but the commonly accepted language has changed over time and will continue to change in response to changes in culture.

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Yes! Exactly. Intent and the meaning of what you say is important, sure, but equally if not more important is the effect and interpretation other people have upon hearing it. If you say X and others hear Y, if your goal is to communicate in an efficient and respectful manner, then the clarity of Your own words is Your problem.

Responding as "sorry, I didn't mean it that way" if you really didn't mean it that way requires you to say "sorry" and thus take responsibility for an offense that was not committed. Obviously if you prefer to say it that way, maybe because your personality is leaned towards the conflict-avoidance side, sure. But not everybody wants to be held culpable for something they didn't do and don't want to say it that way. If you really meant no harm, then you shouldn't lose cred for simply responding "it wasn't a rape joke" and expecting to be taken at your word.

It actually doesn't. "I'm sorry your mother is sick", in no way claims responsibility for making your mother sick. It simply shows empathy toward how the other person is feeling.

Even if it did, communication is a two way street. You can't accept even the slightest bit of responsibility for not considering how your words might affect other people? I apologize when I bump into someone in the hallway. Doesn't mean I was out to get them, or it's all my fault, just that I was part of this interaction.

Okay, if it really bothers you that much, omit the "sorry" and say the rest of the sentence. Sheesh.

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