Apology Critics Who Want to Teach You How to Say You’re Sorry (2017)

I think a big problem with "apologies" nowadays is that they are often not apologies at all, but exercises in ritual humiliation.

True apologies (e.g. what passes between people who care about each other when one of them transgresses in some way) are conversations in which someone expresses concern for the injured party and makes it clear that they're unhappy about what they've done. They aren't structured or formulaic and might not even contain the word "sorry".

The kind of "apology" that parents force uncomprehending children into ("Say you're sorry!") is a totally different thing. We all remember going through it. It has nothing to do with genuinely understanding your duty and responsibility towards others, it's just a Pavlovian training device. Child misbehaves, parent humiliates child, child learns not to misbehave.

The social media public "apology" is even further removed from the real thing because it usually relates not to personal relationships and authentic emotional responses, but to making insincere sacrifices to the political correctness gods in order to limit damage to career/reputation/revenue/share price. There's no point critiquing them, except perhaps to evaluate them as some kind of dubious art form.

One of my favorite courses as an undergrad at Syracuse University, was Laurence Thomas' Moral Philosophy course. I vividly remember a fellow student who said some really racist things, and then apologizing, and being surprised when after his apology, Thomas still let the student know that he had work to do, if his intention was to regain the respect of his fellow students and peers. Making an apology is the start of that work, but it is not instant gratification. Some of Thomas' works are quite relavent Living Morally https://www.amazon.com/dp/0877227780/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_uU.P... https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laurence_Thomas

I understand the frustration with egregious non-apologies. Many of those cases are not accidents; they are passive aggressive double downs.

But if an apology has even a shred of sincerity in it, I don't believe snarky critique is at all appropriate in any way. Saying "You apologized wrong" to someone who is trying to take positive steps is counterproductive, mean-spirited, and extremely poor etiquette.

It's hard to know what to say when you apologize. So I've learned how to say these words in a heartfelt tone (even while hanging upside-down out a window).

I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.

I offer a complete and utter retraction.

The imputaion was totally without basis in fact and was in no way fair comment and was motivated purely by malice.

And I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at anytime in the future.

A real apology is an expression of regret and an appeal to mercy. It is not transactional or representative, it's an acknowledgement of a personal, transgression, and demonstrates a new understanding.

A lot of people aren't worth apologizing to, as the offense they took can often be attributed to a lack of charitable sentiment on their part.

An apology must be given freely, with no expectation, but also don't waste them on people without a track record of magnanimity. I've found people forgive honesty and honest mistakes. If you make a real mistake, people forgive you when you prevail over it, but bending a knee for posterity or to acknowledge authority is worse than not owning it because it rewards sanctimony and cant from bad people.

An apology is for accepting consequences you are prepared to accept, not for avoiding them or mollifying others. I don't agree with the professors approach.

Interesting points in that article.

Having had a Christmas present rejected by a 10 year old I’m well aware of fake apologies. The kid, who had expressed interest in basketball multiple times, asked me a pointed "why did you give me a basketball?" Accusatory tone as if I had gifted him a turd. When suggested by the relevant horrified parent to apologise he laughed. Then later when forced to apologise he did so robotically. I asked him why he was apologising. "Because I had to". When I asked him if he understood why, he said no. Being the offended party I suggested he think about the why before he considered apologising. He disappeared for awhile then came back with a smirk on his face and apologised again. I asked him why he was apologising again when he didn't mean it. Again "because he was told to."

Delivery and intent actually matters.

Maybe this year a certain someone will get some coal.

The only way to apologize is to show contrition. Anything else is only appealing to feelings and not to a change for a better future.

'Adds Ingall, “And send the staff through sensitivity training.”'

I'd like an apology for this; sensitivity training is not a better future. (I'd also like an apology for the smart quotes, but let's deal with one thing at a time!)

I made a 4 min. youtube video on this subject and the checklist basically was

  1. What did you do wrong exactly? No weasel words.
  2. How do you think that made them feel? 
  3. Why are their feelings important to you? 
  4. What are you committed to doing better in the future? 
  5. What steps are you taking to make that come true? 
  6. Why is it important to you to make take those steps?

Taking real responsibility is so rare these days, that a well formed apology on it's own, stands out and is rewarded immediately. Not only will you feel great speaking about your true feelings, you'll also have a plan to a brighter future and relationship with that person mapped out, so it's easier to follow.

When you know why your friends, family and lovers are important to you, and how you should treat them, and why it's important to you to behave a certain way towards them, great behavior flows more effortlessly.

There is some of this kind of apology parsing at the national level as well. China and both Koreas have at various points rejected several rounds of apologies by Japanese heads of state as insincere or insufficiently guilt-ridden. Some cultural critics, such as Ian Buruma, have suggested that the conflict arises out of expecting a "shame" society like Japan to act in similar ways to a "guilt" society like Germany. Others have taken a more cynical view, accusing Japan's historical victims of themselves acting in bad faith in rejecting Japan's official apologies (in the sense that by keeping the victim card in play, the historically aggrieved are able to extract more concessions beyond the ones that accompanied the initial apology). This dynamic is particularly marked in any discussion of comfort women.

Presumably other places we might see this is in how organizations of indigenous peoples in US, Canada, Australia, etc. respond to formal apologies from the national government that previously stripped them of their homelands, in the response by former colonies to official statements of regret from old imperial powers, and in the complex interactions between the descendants of slaves and the white establishment in the US.

I like what this article has to say. I would just add that before you apologize, you should think out what you did, how is was wrong and harmed the other and let yourself feel bad about it, and how you can stop yourself from doing the same sort of wrong thing in the future. Then just say all that to the other person.

The key to a good apology is empathizing with the other party.

How have your actions affected them?

I learned from a communication class (I think Dale Carnegie) that it is not enough to say "I am sorry" or 'I apologize." You need another component: "I apologize. Please forgive me."

The upside is that if you learn to apologize with the sufficient apparent contrition you can get away with a lot of asking forgiveness rather than permission.