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Comment by rootusrootus | Hacker News Reader

Ha! Many years ago when I was in the military, in tech school in fact, one of the teachers (a sergeant, for what it's worth) flat out asked me to my face what I thought of him. Apparently I was telegraphing my feelings pretty well despite attempting to keep a completely neutral face. I asked, "off the record?" and he said "yep" and then I told him.

Whoops. There is no such thing as off the record. Lesson learned. Though in the end it worked out okay and I just got some mildly amused reprimands from my superiors about telling someone [whom everyone agreed was a jerk] that he was a jerk. I'm much better at keeping my flap shut now.

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Been there, done that. In my case, it was a reply all, including the jerk! Was a high pressure, six figure sales scenario too. Jerk was on product approval team. Ugly.

Funny thing, the jerk owned it. Said basically, "truth", but was secure in being a jerk. The others were a lot more upset. Not only did I put it out there frank, raw, blunt, but they were sucked into what could be a real mess! The whole deal was at major risk.

You know it's bad when your phone rings 30 seconds after "send." You know it's worse when other calls come in rapid fire. Beep, beep, beep...

Before it went too far, I dropped an ice breaker to the effect of, "Hey Jerk I cannot take it back, but I can give you one free swing, let whatever it is really slide", in the figurative sense.

Jerk said, "cool, I will keep that in mind." And, "you are not wrong." Gave reasons.

Laughs all around from there, major event averted.

We (jerk and I) actually got along after that. Seeing how secure they were, and understanding their why really helped! I got it. Outside the workplace they were unlikely to be that jerk.

The deal went through. I ended up working with Jerk.

Moral: seek understanding of others. There may be more there than it may seem.

"There is no such thing as off the record."

Very true! I've been around the block a few times and have come to the conclusion that it's good practice to never operate "off the record". I want just the opposite -- I want a record of everything I say or am told in the workplace.

Dishonesty greases the world. I don’t we could handle complete honesty from everyone. Not unless we structurally change society from the ground up.

I think that is what makes transparency so scary to many people - aside from cynical reasons. Society has long been accustomed to their hypocrisies and transparency forces people to change it and accept them.

I think it might be evolutinary for the same reason people are reluctant to openly question authority or hold it to the same standards and why public speaking is feared more than death - angering the big man could get your entire family killed.

It reminds me of one thing that Google faced backlash in Japan over with streetview - people worried about being caught shitfaced drunk and ashamed of it. Everyone knew that it was a norm that "everyone" does yet they were ashamed of it.

Honesty is part of the reason there is a desirable world to grease to begin with. And "complete honesty" is a red herring, an unreachable ideal anyway.

What we can do is stay as honest as we are, strive to be more honest, and more inviting and supporting of honesty, or becoming more dishonest. And you can of course still adapt it to another person; if someone is punishing people for being honest there is no reason to fall onto your sword, let them surround themselves with the kind of people they deserve, and keep your capacity and willingness for honesty for the people who deserve that. "Being honest" isn't this kind of absolute thing, but that doesn't mean it's not anything.

And hey, honesty can be quite disarming, especially when it comes with genuine goodwill, while dishonesty can trip people up. At the least, it costs a lot of resources to have various versions of the truth and juggle them constantly, the more that can be simplified the better. It really does help thinking. You can't think freely if you're not free, and that's a hell of a thing to give up.

"Dishonesty greases the world."

Dishonesty only greases things in the very short term. Longer term, that grease degrades and gets fouled with all manner of dirt, resulting in damage to the "greased" parts.

Hear, hear. I was dishonest for years in my personal life, to make things smooth in the short term. Finally things got so bad that I stopped caring about the consequences of honesty, and started saying what I really thought. It really turned things around. There’s great power in communicating honestly, and bugger the consequences.

Love rejoices in the truth. But love is also ready to take it on the chin for others' benefit.

> Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.

-- Rabbi J. Gordon

It is really amazing, isn't it? It requires true bravery to be honest, particularly when doing so may make others upset with you. But it really does improve your life. Those people who get upset will get upset sooner or later anyway, but when you're honest, they'll be less upset, get over it faster, and will retain a level of respect for you that you would otherwise lose.

In my personal life, I have two observations about being honest. First, honesty should be paired with treating others with dignity and respect. Second, not everything needs to be said. While you can lie by omission, often you can and should omit without lying. (A "lie" is a deliberate deception, and can be done without saying a word, or without saying anything that is factually incorrect.)

From The General's Daughter court scene:

Jack Nicholson: You want the truth? Tom Cruise: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

Caps intentional as Tom was shouting.

That is from A Few Good Men.

I thought Jack was the one shouting, "You can't handle the truth," at Tom.

I just watched the scene. It was Jack's character shouting that.

Otherwise the exchange doesn't even make any sense.

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