Wait, you can hear it, it's just really quiet. So you turn up the volume. Ohhhh it's coming out of my iPhone speakers. Now take headphones out to confirm, then put them back in. The AirPods found your laptop somewhere thirty yards away and had connected to that! Don't mind that the lid is closed and its asleep, and your iPhone is activated, in your hand, and playing audio.
Now on your phone:
0. Pause Podcast
1. Home button (close Podcasts)
2. Home button (first press didn't work)
3. Home button (get to first app page)
4. Settings App
5. Home button (because your finger slipped downward 1 pixel when you pressed the Settings App and iOS thought you wanted to search your phone instead)
6. Settings App
7. Bluetooth
8. Tap "AirPods"
9. Wait about 10 seconds
10. Double tap Home button
11. Find Podcasts app
12. Rewind 30 seconds
13. Hit Play
This happens to me all the fucking time.