Ask HN: Should I take time off while wife earns? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Should I take time off while wife earns?

12 pointsjermaustin117 comments

My wife is a recent MFT graduate has a pretty good shot at getting a job at a small mental health facility in a tiny town in Colorado. Her salary would be more than enough for where we will be living plus paying down student loans (3-4 times the median household income).

I've been getting burnt out in tech for closing in on a decade, now... or at least, working on other people's tech, I think.

Should I use this opportunity to step away from tech completely and invest in getting better at my other hobbies (carpentry, hiking, writing)?

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Sounds like a great opportunity. Just keep this in mind:

http://time.com/4425061/unemployment-divorce-men-women/

Looks like it causes a lot of couples relationship stress to have the wife be the primary breadwinner and the husband stay at home.

So, you need to make sure you're doing something to contribute financially (or equivalently via some other fruits of your labour) to the family, beyond just the standard work around the house. You don't have to earn more than your wife, but you must do your best to avoid any possible interpretation that you're doing nothing all day, or else you run an elevated risk of relationship issues.

I'm less worried about this as my wife and I go to therapy together and separately, and she is a marriage and family therapist herself.

I'm more concerned about myself not being able to rejoin tech when I'm not burned out anymore, or losing skills (not that I have many currently, anyway).

Consider using your time off to take up a trade. Personally, I’ve found working with my hands outside of tech cathartic (welding specifically), and will eventually transition out to either a trade or law after tech (where there is no treadmill, and taking a year or two off doesn’t sideline you permanently).

Tech is like being a sports athlete or exotic dancer; make hay while the sun is shining but always be prepared for your next act.

Honestly, men like beautiful women and women like rich men. Even if your wife is okay with it, it could be a hit to your attractiveness. It also means no more expensive gifts.

But otherwise, I have taken year long breaks from tech. There was no issue with being outdated; if you're the type to hang out on HN as a hobby, you should be fine. Interestingly, going back and looking at old code gave a lot of insights to what I was doing wrong.

The only issue I had was losing momentum on networking. If you go around rejecting work, they find someone else and people stop recommending you.

Also as someone who has taken a year off, I find that breaks don't cure burnout. Burnout is caused by not having an impact despite hard work. You probably won't have an impact on anyone's life by being good at hiking. It was teaching that brought me out of burnout.

Why not switch to part time? Nothing is permanent. Try taking 3 months off and see if you like it.

I don't think you necessary have to make a hard decision with what to do with your career/hobbies. These aren't mutually exclusive choices.

It sounds like you have the freedom to explore your options, and even try them out. You could get there and do some contract/remote work part-time while enjoying hobbies. You should try building products of your own. You could try to profit from your hobbies. You could take a sabbatical for a few months.

Good luck. Doesn't sound like you can make a wrong choice here.

Is your wife okay with that arrangement? Do you feel you can get back into the workforce easily? If so, sure, sounds great!

My wife and both of our therapists are on board with the idea of it. I'm just a little more hesitant. I've always had a job/gig/clients (except 2 months in 2008).

I'm a product development consultant (well I was, before my current role of ASP.Net code monkey), so getting new clients TODAY is difficult -- why I'm a code monkey.

We've always used my income to pay for our extravagances (multiple European vacations per year, a healthy retirement account, never having to look at the bank before we buy something, etc), so this will be different. Which has caused me to be a little hesitant.

You should take burnout seriously. And you should ask your wife what she thinks.

But if you have the opportunity to quit, then do it.

She's all for it, I'm just more hesitant since I've never NOT had a paying job in our entire relationship. And she's never had a PAYING job. So we are both looking to flip roles.

It's complicated and heavily depends on the type of relationships that you developed and even with perfect relationships it still may backfire. Can you make money from your hobbies (say, carpentry)? It's a far less stressful way for your family to have a year off your regular job.

Yes! Consider drafting a plan with some defined goals/deliverables to keep you focused and efficient. Otherwise, such a break might morph into a pseudo-vacation. I can imagine where that might breed tension and frustration.

Her money is her money except what you both put together for daily expenditures, shopping, savings, investments etc which obviously would be much bigger from her side than yours but rest is her wherever she would like to spend. SO YOU SHOULD NEVER see her income as an excuse to take time off. This will only increase tension b/w you guys and believe me this is real.

That is a very negative viewpoint on marriage. We've been together for 14 years and I've been the only one with a job that entire time, and we've always shared the money.

Aah, but let's reverse the roles assuming both worked before and see how it sounds.

Yes

No.

There is a gene sequence that women have (men may have it too FWIW) that causes them to be unhappy if their SO isn't "bringing home the bacon." Its an old sequence and is not to be tampered with unless you wish to end the relationship. It is somewhat akin to the "you must bring/buy/provide food on any date" gene, which will also, unless fulfilled, bring any date to an unscheduled premature end.

Just an aside: you'd have to be nuts to quit working to get better at hobbies, unless you're very, very good at the hobbies, plan to work (i.e., make money) in those hobbies and can earn as much income.

Do your best to spend time in the most highly-valued way you can - then you will not go wrong.

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