I've come to the conclusion that I must move forward. I'm sure some of you (sadly) have similar experiences - how did you put your life together again?
In terms of "how", there is no magic answer; you just try to keep learning, and keep giving to others, to the best of your ability.
You say that you used to speak for an hour each day; I'd suggest that you spend a portion of that time writing down things you remember-- lessons, anecdotes, etc. The time may come, years from now, when you'll be glad you have some tangible reminders of his advice.
Good luck to you.
I've had learning on my mind. I've always done business and UI design, really technology in general, but I've never really learned a language. I've been pondering learning something like Python or Ruby, maybe putting my mind to building some small project in the evenings...
I'm having to run the business everyday, plus dealing with his estate, so I'm busy, at least.
2) Channel your Father. I don't mean in some Psycho (movie) sort of way. I mean that likely without knowing it, you know what your father would have said for a long time. You could likely say "what would he have said" and have him there with you. Sometimes, writing questions and then answering them as if you were him can reveal the answer... and help.
3) Tell other people who your father was. Go out of your way to talk to people and when some advice pops into your head that your dad would have conveyed, relay that. If possible, mentor someone yourself. Passing on experience really lets folks live on. Even if the people you're passing stuff on to aren't related (like a son or daughter), mentoring people is as valuable for the mentor as the person being mentored.
The idea here is two fold. First, get out and talk to people. Retreating into a cave is the single worst mistake that people make. Force yourself to get out there and talk to people.
It sounds like it might be good for you to go to a couple of local conferences / meetups in your area. Go to them regularly. Talk to people - convey your Father's advice. This way, you'll still feel connected to him.
There are likely people who will appreciate your advice. Talk individually with these people (coffee, whatever), maybe sit on a steering board - whatever works. The idea here is that in doing this, you will not only be "getting out of your cave", but you'll be helping (mentoring) others and making a bad situation (even a little bit) better by passing on this valuable advice.
Honestly though, this is the sort of stuff that a shink will help you with. Grief is 50% to 80% of a good shrink's job - you're not alone. They will be able to talk with you and give you waaaay better stuff than this to do.
This was one of the toughest things that has ever happened to me, and it definitely changed me. So here's what has helped me to recover
I think that the biggest thing that helps is time - losing a parent is a profound experience, and not one that you can easily cope with. There is really no way to prepare for it. I still think about my father nearly every day, and it's hard to believe that he's gone. But, as time has gone on, I've definitely managed to put it into some sort of perspective. I can't say that it is a positive experience, but I've learned to value the time I do have. My father was twice my age, so maybe I've used up half my time. I had better make that time count.
Another thing that helps is taking a break. It's fine to take a little bit of time for yourself to get things together. It's interesting to see how people respond to the death of a family member - a lot of people try to fill the hole by throwing themselves into a frenzy of activities. Eventually, though, you have to face yourself and make peace if you want to recover.
Finding stability in your life is also important. When my father died, I was working on a startup. The startup was on its last legs, but his death completely threw things off balance for me. I felt like I was floating for a long time, and decided that I needed to add some stability to my life. Just too many things were uncertain at the time, and I couldn't deal with that. About six months ago, I decided to take a job with a more established startup. I feel like adding some stability to my life has definitely helped to put things back to normal. This was kind of the last thing on my mind for several years before that, but in this particular case, I think that it helped me to recover.
Finally, I think it's important to talk about it with people. I'm sure that you have friends who have lost parents - talk to them about the experience. If you have siblings, talk to them. You will find out that a lot of what's going through your head is stuff that everyone experiences. I wish that I had done more of this - I feel like I kind of shut down and didn't really want to talk about it for a while. If you need to (and maybe if you don't think you need do), seek out professional help. They are trained to help people who have been through this sort of experience.
I can think of two pieces of advice, from my experience, that stand a chance of being helpful.
(1) Don't expect yourself to respond differently from how you're responding. At various moments in a single day you may be miserable, numb, and surprisingly cheerful. None of these is the wrong response, especially when the loss is so fresh. If you're still feeling perpetually distraught in two years, talk to a shrink. (Talk to a shrink now if you think it might be helpful, but don't do it because you think your response is somehow disproportionate or invalid. It isn't.)
(2) Get used to the fact that this event will place a layer of friction between you and most other people. Hopefully you have one or two people in your life who you have talked to, at length, about what you're going through. Others, even good friends, will regularly say things that feel callous and unsympathetic. Try to be patient with them.
When I grew up and got married, my first husband was kidnapped and we found his murdered remains four months later. It is an unsolved mystery that is 23 years old. I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. I stood out in my garden, dug my feet into the mud, and I cried. I cried for three weeks straight. No anti-depressants - just process. Grief is a process.
My advice is: 1) Your mind can take you to weird places around murder. Don't get too out there. People die and we miss them. Its that simple. 2) Don't talk about it all the time to everyone you know. Its pretty easy to say, "Hi, nice to meet you, my dad died," because its like a huge sunburn all over your body. But talking about it constantly keeps it at the surface of your conscious mind. It is better to wait and speak about your feelings with a trusted loved one or friend or in therapy. 3) Get a therapist - a cognitive therapist - and shop around for someone who is logical, intuitive and genuine.
I'm really sorry to hear you have lost your father. My father was the best father a person could ever have. He was brilliant, a scientist at NASA, a protege to Werner Von Braun, had an IQ higher than Albert Einstein's and was warm, loving - he was just the best. Its hard for other people to understand when you lose someone that is wonderful, because there are lots of people who lose a regular Joe, but how many of us have the experience of losing someone awesome? By this I mean that lots of people have dads that left them, didn't pay child support, or were abusive - its a different experience when you have a wonderful dad. I keep a photo of my father above my kitchen sink. Even though I lost him when I was so young, I'm grateful I had that man for a father and the love I received from him.
You get up in the morning, brush your teeth, floss, get a shower, eat your breakfast, and go about your day. Its going to be okay. Have faith things are going to be better over time.
It's incredibly terrifying.
In some ways, I think nobody's truly dead until their last echo fades from history - when I have that moment of drawing and feeling like I'm totally channeling Jack Kirby, he lives again through me. What of your father still lives in you?
Make social contact; start to look for new anchors for who you are. You'll never find a replacement for him but you'll find someone who's just as interesting. Maybe they'll be a lover, maybe they'll be a new mentor. Maybe some of both. Put yourself in new situations.
Three months? I think you're still quite right to be grieving.
I'll bet that was his intention all along.
BTW, it turns out there ARE atheists in foxholes.
Mourning takes time, and there's not much you can do to speed up the process. I strongly suspect this folk wisdom underlies the traditional rule that a widow(er) shouldn't remarry before a year has elapsed.
In my humble opinion, the best thing you can do to put life back together, and honor your father's memory... is to mentor someone else.
Pay it forward, if you will.
This will cement the lessons he taught you, in your mind, and you will learn more through experience.
I would also venture to say that you will come up with wisdom of your own, as times goes on.
As much as it hurts, this experience of losing your father, and how you respond to it, in your life... will be part of makes you who you are.
If you ever need/want to talk, don't hesitate to drop me a line.
My father has conveyed to me some enormously valuable things over the years. When his time comes, I think a major part of dealing with it, for me, will be both preserving these things and passing them on. If you can put to paper some of the wisdom he's given to you, and then spread that to others, I'm sure you'd be doing him proud. And beyond that, I'm sure you'd be doing something beneficial for yourself and for us all. Good luck.
I think the best suggestion I could give is to be easy on yourself. It's good that you're starting to feel ready to begin moving forward, but don't rush anything. Be glad for what you can do, and don't worry about what you're not ready to do yet. Taking a long walk every day might help.
You were also very lucky to have build such a warm relationship with your father, something many childs are never able to do and regret later. Only time will make you feel better, and he still be here with you as you'll remember his insights all your life.
It will be very useful to be able to process the hurt you're feeling, in the company of someone who has good experience helping people who've dealt with similar losses.
My only other advice: if you still need a mentor, find someone who you can get an hour or two a week from. You probably still do need advice, but it sounds like you're pretty grounded.
As you go through that process you will find that sooner or later anew pursuit pops in mind that is connected to your mentor.
Emotions are real and powerful. Although they certainly affect thoughts and can be affected by thoughts, they aren't reducible to thoughts, and can't just be waved away with a flick of the mind.
I put it to you that some people think it is true, and that if it is true it will help. Let him judge for himself what advice he deems true, instead of you trying to tell everyone who thinks differently than you to withhold advice!