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Comment by alistairSH | Hacker News Reader

They know they'd spend a small fortune at Best Buy or other retail service. And they don't want to be seen as a charity case or perhaps worse, a dummy.

I feel like a simple barter might be appropriate in this case. IT services for brownies. Or something like that. You still get the satisfaction of helping a neighbor and they get the satisfaction of paying you something, anything, for your time and knowledge.

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I think this is a really important thing to realise, socially. People feel happy doing things for you. In a misguided attempt to be polite I used to turn down things people offered me even though I wanted them: drinks when I visited, lifts in a car, etc. Eventually I realised I was just making them more uncomfortable and that everyone wins if you accept.

That's a very important life lesson. Many people live unconsciously by a code of mutual obligation -- they will do something for you, motivated by feelings they would identify as generosity, expecting nothing immediately in return. It's rude to turn them down. They'll be hurt and feel rejected. At the same time you need to be aware that it's incumbent on you to return the favor eventually, in some form. I've seen a lot of, on the one hand, resentful feelings and on the other, baffled incomprehension, result when people who live by this code interact with people who don't.

In the real world, when someone offers something, they've already in their mind given you that.

If you turn it down, it causes an internal conflict.

And it's part of their growth learn to let go of the rejection.

This is culture-specific! I know a couple of cultures where it's polite to offer (without actual intention of following through), and the expectation is that the person being asked also declines - out of politeness. Think of it as the equivalent of the American "How are you?" scripted exchange.

I think India has (or had) a three level rules where the first 3 queries were just polite to show some kind of friendliness. After that your in honest/genuine interactions.

Unfortunately it's not quite that simple. The very same real world also contains offers that are customary given on the assumption that the other side says "thank you very much I will surely come back to you about this" as part of a politeness protocol but never even considers taking the offer seriously. "Please stay as long as you like" is how the last guests of a party thrown out.

I find that highlighting how asking for help meets the need of community and support, while providing it meets the need of contributing to life.

Both sides got their needs met. Everything else is extra. People aren't learning how to be grateful for themselves and their own vulnerability. I'm not going to take away that learning opportunity, especially by accepting things from them I don't want or need.

In my case what was odd is that I came on my own, she sollicited my help for the antivirus and paid me. I came back without her asking, just so she knows her machine is fine and there's no reason to worry or buy a new one.

Business shark me should have ride her fear and give her paid advice for a new machine while giving her a free 'recycling' service on her current laptop.

Remind your business shark that in the accounting world, "good will" is an acknowledged asset class that exists. It's not always a good idea to "monetize" all of it, even from a strictly homo econimus business shark point of view.

> in the accounting world, "good will" is an acknowledged asset class that exists. It's not always a good idea to "monetize" all of it, even from a strictly homo econ[omic]us business shark point of view.

Is this true? I'm familiar with an accounting concept called "goodwill", but as far as I ever learned "goodwill" is just the label given to prices that are higher than the fundamentals appear to justify. By that definition, in order for goodwill to exist, it must already have been monetized.

Another approach is to ask the person you're helping what they're good at.

As long as it's something reasonable, let them know if/when you need a hand with that later on, then they can expect a call in return. :)

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