Ask HN: How do you make friends in a new city? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How do you make friends in a new city?

21 pointsguico18 comments

If you want a lover there's Tinder, clubs, etc. If you want business connections, there's Meetup, Linkedin, networking events, etc. What do you do if you just want to find people of any gender to become friends with?

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Assuming you have a day job (ie, an office where you'll meet and socialize with people even if it's limited):

Invite them out, accept their invitations. You don't have to become friends. Get to know their friends and friends' friends. You'll click with someone, start inviting them out to things or over and accept their invites.

Create opportunities for people to be social with you. Go to a bar or restaurant that hosts trivia, attend regularly. Chat with the other teams, invite people you meet to join you.

If that doesn't interest you, find other activities. Go to movies (with dinner before/after since movies aren't really social), host a movie night, board games, set up a hiking group, or find one to join.

One thing I've learned, I have to take the initiative to invite people. And I can't turn down invitations when I've first met people. If I meet someone and sort of hit it off, but turn down their invites to activities, I'm not going to be invited to join them again (or I'm less likely to be). But when I invite people, I'm generous about re-inviting people who turn me down. I throw out invites to 10-30 people for events, and I may only get 5 to go.

At some point the relationship will become a real friendship, not based on doing activities together. But you have to start somewhere.

I really think this captures it - you need to be the driving force if you're the one who feels like you want to make friends. Do you ever find yourself thinking "why does it always have to be me inviting/organizing events"? Meaning, it can be demoralizing to put in that effort and feel like it's not "sticking" in the sense of real friendships coming out of it, or at least invites back.

But on a more positive note, from everything I've done I also think this kind of positive, magnet-like attitude is the way to go. It's almost like you have to go cross ways with 500 people in order to squeeze out 1 or 2 friends, so you need to speed up that process. Is that how you feel?

That's a good way of looking at it.

And yeah, sometimes it can be demoralizing when people don't show to something I've put a lot of time into. But that's also why I've learned how to find easier social events to plan. The town I live in does a First Friday thing (more live music, art exhibits, etc.). I just throw the invite out to a bunch of people, if they show they show. Same for movies and other things. At some point a small "inner circle" or whatever forms, that's the group that'll stick around for a while. Some may just be more into going out, others will be close friends. But at least you've got the group started. It'll grow from there, especially if you can find a couple more socially outgoing people who enjoy planning.

Anything that is a hobby/subculture in your city is usually a hotbed for new friends. Someone mentioned skateboarding. Add BMX, rock climbing, skiing, BDSM, dog breeding, knitting, paleolithic tool making, amateur orchestra, and many others. Sooner or later you'll probably meet some people that you get along pretty well with

Sports are a great way for me since you already will have one thing in common with the people there are there's a lot of opportunities for bonding. Volunteering is another great one. Meetup is not necessarily all business, there's plenty of hobby meetups.

Doesn't that require that you already learned a certain sport in the past, in order to have something to start with? My issue is rather that I focused too much in kinds of sport in the past that don't really lend themselves to socializing (like swimming or just going to the gym).

Would you just try a new sport and meet people there? How would you even find people that do a certain sport?

If I can ask, how long have you been living in the new city for? What reason did you move over for?

You can definitely find friends at the gym, find someone of a similar size to you and ask them to be gym buddies. Don't weird them out, make sure to shower and get your hair done before =profit?

Moved in for work almost 4 years ago. So, not exactly a "new city" but still feels that way. Thanks for the tips

You don't need to have any experience to enjoy sports and anyone(no matter, body, gender, or anything else) can do it because there is a sport that will be good for you. The most important thing is that you are not scared. Twi examples I can think of that are great are Yoga(usually pretty inclusive and friendly crowds) and Bouldering (It's great because you can chat up a lot of people during down time)

I sucked at soccer (still do) but met many of my current friends through it. Local adult rec leagues can be pretty forgiving of bad players, especially if they have multiple divisions (I play in the lowest division).

I've met some great friends through technical meetups. The connections you make there don't have to be strictly professional

hacker spaces / maker spacers can be a pretty good place if you are a hacker / maker looking for friends with similar interests

Go to a Church?

I wouldn't say I'm religious but considering all options..

As a former catholic, this community component around the church (any of the mainstream sort) is something that new religions like Crossfit, Apple or indie festivals simply can't beat. There are also many volunteering activities and connecting in that context, if you are observant, you can get to know quality people. It's a hit or miss though, depending on your town.

If you want true friends just buy skateboard

And just show up at the place in your city where they hang out? How will they welcome (or not) a total newbie?

I gotta agree with the parent, skateboarders are very welcoming and you might have a blast even as total new skateboarder.

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