I couldn't even tell if your parody is a parody. Is that seriously the macro??
Rather I just pressed qf (which starts recording a macro to 'f'), then preformed the sequence of commands that would need to be done to do what I wanted. You do it step by step while watching what's actually going on, so it's not as hard as it seems. Then from then on I can just press @f to do what would normally take all of those keys.
broken down, this is how the macro works:
zE - clear other folds
k - up
zf - start creating a fold from here to...
gg - ...the top of the document
j - down
% - go to the matching bracket
j - down
zf - start creating a fold from here to...
G - ...the bottom of the document
I don't really remember why those ups and downs were needed, maybe they're not. Just how I typed it out at the time.