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Comment by x220 | Hacker News Reader

No, NVC would have you say "I feel X when I notice you doing Y." The way you phrased it implies blame.

How is NVC way any different? "I feel sad because you did X" is just sugarcoated "You are the one who made me feel sad by doing X".

I find the "uncover your feelings" the most questionable point of the whole framework. Instantly reminds me of Stephen Fry's

    — I am rather offended by that
    – So fucking what?

Long ago I made an observation that anger and other feelings are more of our perception of someone's actions than the actions themselves. From that time on "90% of everything is attitude" became one of the my favourite sayings. Also, I am not sure if NVC sits well with the fundamental attribution error.

Words are just a way of conveying meaning, and it's always possible to interpret someone's words as implying blame. A motivated listener can take the most impartial, detached observation and hear it as a blistering indictment.

If someone is told the words "I feel a lot of anxiety about our financial stability" it's completely possible for them to understand the "true meaning" as "You're a useless slob who can't hold a proper job and I hate you"

But this doesn't mean that words don't matter. We don't control the meaning we convey, but we do influence it. Choice of words and phrasing is a very powerful tool for that. There are other tools as well, of course. But getting the words right is the low hanging fruit for most people.

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