I apologize for any defensiveness. I am exhausted and tired of being in pain, poor, and alone. I am often criticized and blamed and it conditions you to expect bad from people. I try to stay aware many people mean well but sometimes I overreact. I avoided asking for help for a long time for the pride reasons you mentioned...hoping I could find a way...but once it became clear that wasn't going to happen and I did reach out it was denial and silence at every turn. In all these years only one person, a complete stranger, offered any real path, and like some perfect game some trickster god would design that path was blocked by outside forces as I took the first step on it. Seeing every system you trusted and all the people who promised you support deny you...and worse BLAME you...is soul crushing.