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Comment by throwaway201912 | Hacker News Reader

throwaway201912

I have just started dating a woman who is 22, she has advanced ovarian cancer and a life expectancy that is 12 months and is scheduled for surgery and chemo in January (but this may be sooner given the pain).

This is just a fact between us, and it's something we'll have to deal with. I fell for her, she fell for me, we work well on so many levels.

I know she is likely to die (a 12 month life expectancy isn't a foregone conclusion) but we don't discuss this or make it a focus. Our focus is on living life with passion, a clock that counts 70 years or 1 year doesn't change our approach to life.

I don't really know what to say, I just wanted to put an acknowledgement from myself to the universe down somewhere that yes I know what I'm getting myself into, and yet I love her and it's worth it.

Live life qualitatively not quantitatively.

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This is good stuff man. It takes a lot of courage for the both of you. My wife was diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer 1 year, 11 months and 1 week ago. She's been through remission, recurrence and is now on her fourth type of chemo to try to push it back. We've had a little bit of encouraging news recently but there's still a long way to go.

I'm sure you've already done some research but I would definitely suggest familiarizing yourself with the various treatment options that are 'standard of care', gain an understanding about the pros/cons of clinical trials, how they select candidate patients and maybe scan around for trials that are applicable to her case. Also it becomes incredibly difficult to keep weight on, at least for my wife who is by any standard presently malnourished. Finding simple to eat shakes/smoothies/etc are very helpful.

If she has a full hysterectomy she's likely to struggle with night sweats. I bought my wife a BedJet last year for that but it has turned out to be a wonderful thing in the winter as well to help keep her warm.

Anyway, best of luck to the both of you.

I have young kids, and I've lately found myself experiencing a lot of anxiety about the various ways in which the randomness of the universe might harm them, or harm me and deprive them of a parent. Just reading "Live life qualitatively not quantitatively" gave me an instant, deep sense of calm. Thank you for sharing that.

I hope that your journey together is wonderful, no matter how long it is.

The Strawberry Koan might speak to you: http://www.ashidakim.com/zenkoans/18aparable.html

Thank you for that

Which I just learned is the inspiration for this children's book: https://smile.amazon.com/Little-Sid-Prince-Became-Buddha/dp/...

>a clock that counts 70 years or 1 year doesn't change our approach to life.

"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree."

Is that really analogous? The apple tree is going to take time to bear fruit, but love gratifies immediately.

I think the point was that the work also was immediately gratifying to the worker.

- Martin Luther

I deeply appreciate your courage. The world needs more like you.

There's always a chance to beat the odds, but if not, you know you're living it to the full while possible.

Stay strong and best wishes to both of you.

"The median is not the message" is a quote brought up by Siddhartha M regarding life expectancy and cancer. It's very unfortunate for a bright young person to have this unluckiest of messages, however the median does not tell of the range of expectancies, nor of the potential richness of life in every moment.

I'm glad you're taking it well, I hope you both find peace and equanimity with the situation.

Love conquers all, it’s a beautiful force that will transcend our brief physical awareness of it.

I really wish the best for both of you. You are completely right, your comment is really inspiring. Love to you from a random internet friend.

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