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Comment by lodi | Hacker News Reader

I'm 34, male. I feel like I just feel less as I age, both positive and negative. No crying, less anger, but also less giddy joy, less vivid imagination. When I was a child or teenager I could read a book and be the character. Now I'm just reading a book.

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I've noticed something similar. I used to be able to get into games, like become completely immersed such that it was a magical experience.

These days, no way. I'm not sure why it is, but I recall reading a few threads where people our age lament the same thing happening to them.

In my case, I suspect it may be rooted in anxiety, guilt for fear of wasting time not being productive.

Yet, illogically I'll end up hooked on certain competitive multiplayer games and waste the time just the same. I suspect certain games play into anxious behavior more, especially games with a short match format.

The last single player game I truly enjoyed in a magical sense, I had to block out the time for it ahead of time, like it was a task to complete. That seemed to help a lot with enjoyment strangely enough.

From what I know, we feel less in order to not feel certain negative emotions we carry with us.

I discovered recently a book that says we carry with us some "lifetraps" we picked-up during childhood. The lifetraps are:

1. "Please, don't leave me!" - The Abandonment Lifetrap

2. "I can't trust you" - The Mistrust and Abuse Lifetrap

3. "I'll never get the love I need" - The Emotional Deprivation Lifetrap

4. "I don't fit in" - The Social Exclusion Lifetrap

5. "I can't make it on my own" - The Dependence Lifetrap

6. "Catastrophe is about to strike" - The Vulnerability Lifetrap

7. "I'm worthless" - The Defectiveness Lifetrap

8. "I feel like such a failure" - The Failure Lifetrap

9. "I always do it your way" - The Subjugation Lifetrap

10. "It's never quite good enough" - The Unrelenting Standards Lifetrap

11. "I can have whatever I want" - The Entitlement Lifetrap

One way we cope with them is by avoiding the feelings they cause and we do that by numbing ourselves.

LE: The book is called "Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior" by Jeffrey Young.

I can relate to several of that. In the end i believe it’s really hard to build a life where you feel secure but still can express yourself. So over time you play a role for the outside but inside you just go numb. I guess it has been this way for most people throughout history. Societies aren’t designed for happiness and self expression.

It's true that it has been this way for most of human history. That's why children usually perpetuate their parents' behaviors. But you can stop this. That's what the book says. It takes a lot of work, but you can gradually change your beliefs.

Strangely, I feel better in situations I am less secure. More alert, less bored. And when I do have a certain degree of control over the volatile, and potentially threatening, situation it just feels great. Not in the sense of joy, so. More like a certain kind of calm satisfaction.

Same here. But I think there are two levels to this. I often feel energized in challenging situations if I can go back to a secure life afterwards. Even if the situation is life threatening . But being fundamentally insecure as in serious long term health problems or being broke and not able to find a job or being homeless is just never ending misery without escape.

That really resonates withe, too. Aged 36 now. Last time I really cried was when my grandpa died 12 years ago. Since then I lost my remaining grandparents as well. Luckily all of them lived beyond ot around 90. But I just didn't cry. Same when my best friend decided to leave for the US for good. Sad, yes. Crying, nope, even when I tried.

Still working on the anger / frustration front, so. I'd really love to feel even less of that. But than I am a rather analytical type, so not sure if it is an age thing.

I felt this right up until I have a kid. I'm like a mopey teenager again. Movies and tv regularly make me tear up etc. I feel the overwhelming rush and excitement I used to get from travel or goal achievement all over. I think the phenomenon that you're describing is basically we get used to the way things are so the emotional highs and lows are sort of expected. When we're young everything is new. It takes a big change and breaking your pattern to get out of that.

I agree with this. Kids spark a new sense of purpose and being.

A close friend and family member lost a 6 month old baby late last year through no fault of their own. Little guy slept so deep he stopped breathing.

Being so close to such a truly gut wrenching loss gives me a new perspective everyday.

The last time I had something even remotely like that was when a family member was scheduled to be in the Twin Towers, on the top floor, the morning of 9/11/2001. Through a total fluke, this person didn’t go to work that day. Odd, because he was the focus of this meeting and really should have been there - rather, he decided to hang out with his kids as he had been traveling too much. He’s living on borrowed time and admits that every September.

All this to say - the worst part of modern technology and society is the ability to escape from reality, in my opinion.

You, your kids, and the rest of your loved ones will be dead one day. Probably when you dont expect it.

Putting the phone down and spending valuable time with them is the best decision you can make at any point in your day.

I completely agree. As silly as it sounds because it ended up being a false alarm I was in Hawaii during the ballistic missile scare. That sort of fear and then coming out on the other side, followed by having a kid 2 years later, has given me a totally different and much better perspective on life. I try and remember every day what really matters and it usually isn't what many of us usually give our time to.

Whew, glad it's not just me. Agree 100%. Although I had some minor underlying issues that seemed to make it worse (better now though).

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