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Comment by watwut | Hacker News Reader

On the other hand, leaving abusive or manipulative person is a good idea - you are better off alone.

And dating addicted gamer that also drinks or takes drugs sounds like special kind of hell. It would just make her suffer in bad relationship where she has no meaningfull companion and partner.

No girl can cure any of these. And guys like this won't change after starting to date a girl - not for long. The idea that she will civilised him by her presence is bonkers.

Hardcore gamer culture is not the "you found a girl stop playing that much" culture. It is "you don't play enough you are weakling get gut looser, if girl stopping you from hobby she is bad partner" culture.

Amd real life dating activities are boring compared to excitement of gane for gamers. Even if he wanted to stop instantly, it is trully hard.

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>And dating addicted gamer that also drinks or takes drugs sounds like special kind of hell. It would just make her suffer in bad relationship where she has no meaningfull companion and partner.

That happened once they accepted that they'll find any relationship - everyone they were interested in, rejected them and they gave up.

>No girl can cure any of these. And guys like this won't change after starting to date a girl - not for long. The idea that she will civilised him by her presence is bonkers

Do we always live for ourselves? Do we never try to live up to expectations of our family or friends? Or those who believe in us, being on our side in life?

This is simply false. Gamers don't start at 27 when they gave up on dating. They just keep playing more and more from pre-teenage years as social thing with friends.

Nor do people start drink after they have been without partner for years. Instead, they are friends with peers and drink with them progressively.

> Do we always live for ourselves? Do we never try to live up to expectations of our family or friends? Or those who believe in us, being on our side in life?

Sure not. But what you want there is a person whose only role is to make you better by making you feel like she expects from you - without getting much in return.

That is not how relationships work, both sides need to have their needs met. Both sides need the other side to give.

Including girls.

To make some perspective, you started in a “clueless dad” mode about gaming and then went that route (gamers social grouping, etc) to justify the phenomenon.

There is nothing to justify though. Someone is choosing a partner from a different country, who can fly over for a weekend. It is not “better” or “worse”, it is a selection from a bigger set of beautiful he-dogs, and all-time high expectations. You can see that even not crossing a country border, just look at a small town near a big one. All males in there fall in shadow of any confident big city citizen. With technology, the discussed outcome was inevitable.

I bet that our parent commenter did not speak about NY, Paris or Tokio downtowns.

There is nothing clueless about observation that people start playing games way sooner then they seek partners. There is nothing clueless about observation that it has social component - bonding among guys. In particular gamers tend to have whole social life composed of other gamers.

The guys you described are not failing to meet some super high expectations. You described people with drug and alcohol issues who have game addiction issues on top.

Romantic relationship is not the only source of company and relationships. You can't depend on one person for all your social and emotional needs.

There are slightly more girls then males at any given moment. There are plenty of single women around the world. They don't blame missing guys for their alcoholism (through plenty of them have other issues)

>You described people with drug and alcohol issues who have game addiction issues on top.

I had no such thing in mind at all. Not sure if me or you misread this subthread, but blaming guys who cannot find a local match for their depression (if they take place; this idea was brought out of nowhere) seems too prejudicial, while more prosaic explanations exist - they cannot compete at their best.

Op was like “girls in town choose foreigners so local guys feel like loser”, and you jumped to “they are all game addicts, and drugs, and alcohol, their fault”.

Nah, it was not merely depression. Full quote: "men of town have drowned themselves in video games, porn and drinking/drugs". Which is way more then being depressed. It does not matter whose is to be blamed, but dating anyone like that is receipt for unavailable alcoholic partner. And she won't meet him anyway, cause he is moving solely among males.

His explanation is "because they've no meaningful relationships", but then he proceed to define meaningfull relationships as romantic only.

No girl can fix any of that. They can't fix lack of friendship, can't fix lack of familly relationships, can't fix no roots in local community. Women are not rewards for good behavior nor cure for mental health problems. If you expect any of that, you will end up ressentful of partner who won't be able to provide that much.

Having long term partner is not cure all, nor cure for depression or loneliness. Not in long term, not after initial honeymoon passionate period ends.

I doubt that majority of town girls have foreign long distance intercultural partners. Such relationships are quote hard to keep and generally rare. Despite there being some girls with foreign boyfriend, majority will date local or not at all.

And plenty of girls have depressions on their own, mental health problems, bad habits, possibly own addiction struggles. Problems in families with relatives or on the job.

> Do we always live for ourselves? Do we never try to live up to expectations of our family or friends? Or those who believe in us, being on our side in life?

People can of course change over time and be influenced by people around them. However, entering a relationship with another person based on the presumption that you can "change" them is a recipe for relationship disaster.

There are billions of people on this planet. If you're looking for a relationship, you're better off finding one that suits you rather than someone who doesn't and trying to change them into something else.

But how'd they get there in the first place? Contact with a D12 is terminal? What set our hypothetical failure apart from a 20-something guy that drinks, does drugs, plays games, is in a relationship and leads a rewarding life? Allow me to blast some copypasta about for an idea I can't quite articulate myself:

>Everything is systemic until it's people you don't like, and then suddenly they're personally morally culpable for their shit ass attitude. A whole generation of men simultaneously said "nah fuck it having a life is for fags"? When you see this many people with the same problem, the word "systemic" should come to mind immediately. They need to wipe their own ass obviously but I'm in no rush to blame a whole generation of teenagers for burning out the exact same way; I wanna know who sold them the video games, weed and tendies.

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