Assuming this is an earnest question... learn python.

I recommend you read "learn python the hard way". After you're done you will know plenty about programming - enough to build your own tools and tests. There have been two different posts on HN in the past 6 months to the tune of "I taught myself django (it's python) and programming in six weeks, check out my new site!"

You won't regret it.

Edit: I recommend python because it's designed to be easy to read, easy to learn, and powerful. That and its growth trends in the past 18 months are phenomenal. It's a perfect first language for today.