Comment by fsloth | Hacker News Reader

Comment by fsloth | Hacker News Reader

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That's something you would say in a sermon to a crowd.

Not to an addict and certainly not to their loved ones. See, you are on the one hand saying the addict is fine doing whatever it is they are, and on the other hand you are shaming the loved ones of the addict into a position of never giving up on him/her.

All of that will just make things worse for all parties. You see, the addict, after a point, does not really want love anymore. They want the substance. They may use love as a tool to live and continue their addiction but they are not in a condition to provide a reciprocal relationship. They have become, in a way, narsistic in the sense that other people are above all enabling agents to get their high, and beyond this utility are worthless to them.

So you see how just being ready to love another through whatever is not actually a great plan when heavy addiction steps into play?

First rule of all human relationships: You are not responsible for another person - their happiness, their addiction or what ever.

Some relationships can be actively harmful. Especially with addictive substances the other party gets easily damaged through co-dependency.

The problem is you assuming love is a reciprocal relationship. If you don't want to love someone, fine, by all means don't. But please don't go about preaching addicts don't need love

The core of my thesis is - and most professionals likely will agree with me on this - you should not waste your life away because of an addict. Both of you have only one life. If the addict is on a path to waste theirs, do not throw two lives away.

I understand why you would find this callous. On the other hand, knowing far too well what I'm talking about, I find your approach potentially very harmful.

It sounds like you think I'm coming to this from a moral or religious high ground. I'm not. I have far better understanding of relationship dynamics with an addict than I would ever want.

"But please don't go about preaching addicts don't need love"

Of course not, that would be de-humanizing. But similarly no single person should feel obligated to love an addict.

Let me explain where I'm coming from. My mom was a heavy drinker and that affected all aspects of her life for decades. My father spent most of his good years living with her, but after my mother died, I realized staying with my mom had been a mistake from his part.

His mood brightened remarkably and he found a new person to share his life with. Sadly, he died in a few years as well.

Had he not spent his life with my mom I'm fairly sure he would have been a lot happier. I mean, sure, it's a roll of the die but surely staying with my mom was close to snake-eyes in terms of what sort of relationship you can end in.

Especially in the later years my moms behaviour changed and she turned partly a different person.

You love who you choose to love. But you are not obliged to love anybody and most certainly you are not responsible for anyone elses happiness.

Nobody should feel obligated to show love to anyone else except your child, and should be ok to take distance and gauge their options - especially with an addict.

Addicts can recover, and sometimes cannot.

You can't force an addict to recover. And more importantly, you can't heal an addict. The addict needs to take the responsibility for their own condition.

Taking distance can be part of the addicts journey to a non-addicted way of living. But you can't push nor pull them.

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